Separated at Birth
Alex Jones or a Cigar?
It’s hard to tell them apart.
Makes people gag when they’re near it.
Both
Turns a furious shade of red when inflamed.
Both
Grown in Texas.
Both
Promoted by your uncle who wears American flag shirts.
Both
Comes in a variety of sizes, including “gordo” and “robusto.”
Both
Adored by loudest guy at every bar.
Both
Your dad had it going in the car with the windows rolled down.
Both
Smells like perfume poured on a campfire.
Both
Color ranges from light auburn to nearly black.
Cigar
Color ranges from tomato rash to sputum brown.
Alex Jones
Puffed-up by Rush Limbaugh.
Both
A musty symbol of mid-century manhood.
Both
Most people find it repulsive, but there are enough fans to keep it going.
Both
First observed by European explorers when they encountered Cuba’s indigenous Taino people.
Cigar
Ordered to pay $49.3 million in damages to the parents of a six-year-old child killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School, a mass shooting he called a hoax.
Alex Jones
Loves cigars.
Both
Loves Alex Jones.
Alex Jones
