Alexa, Create a New To-Do for — Timmy, Stop Eating the Icicles! — Christmas
As you all know, Sophie Cooper, born Duval, tragically passed away at the age of 37 at her residence in South Burlington, Vermont at 2:35 a.m. on Sunday, December 3rd. Sophie’s beloved husband requested we publish in her honor the enchanting Christmas To-Do list dictated to the family’s Alexa device moments prior to her fatal, spontaneous head combustion.
o Retrieve all the icicles from the Christmas tree
o And any other ornaments with potential choking hazard
o I’m cooking dinner Mommy will play with you later
o Draw Christmas cards with Timmy
o Buy eco-friendly driveway melt
o And organic humanely-raised turkey from Whole Foods
o Timmy inside voice Emma is sleeping
o Buy recycled wrapping paper
o And Vulli Sophie the Giraffe Teether
o Timmy what did I just say
o Look up best infant winter car seat covers
o Timmy I said no
o Look up best educative toys
o For the last time you’re too young to play Fortnite
o Renew Timmy ADHD medication
o It’s okay Emma
o Come here my little Pumpkin
o Frosty the Snowman was a jolly something with a something and a something and hum hum hum
o Ouch
o Buy lanolin-free cream for cracked nipples
o And a Mrs. Meyer’s lavender-scented soy candle for step-mother
o Soph [inaudible] seen my giant foam finger
o No sorry
o But I need it for tonight’s game
o I can’t now Carl I’m making dinner
o Check the basement
o Buy a PJ set or maybe a Michael Kors bathrobe for step-father
o I don’t know where your stupid giant finger is
o Here’s a brilliant idea
o Why don’t you just go without it
o Yes genius there’s blood on the chicken that’s a common side effect of cutting your finger
o Why don’t you figure it out
o I’m sorry
o I know I shouldn’t yell I said I’m sorry okay
o That wasn’t yelling
o Find something else than Fortnite for your Santa list
o Mommy is bleeding right now
o Put it back
o Timothy Jeremiah Cooper
o That wasn’t nice
o Buy new Lancome Absolue Regenerative face cream
o Look up best childproof drawer latches
o Buy diet margarita mix
o Pay mortgage
o Create new shopping list
o Buy half-off frozen turkey from Food 4 Less
o Find cheap driveway melt Christmas cards wrapping paper candle bathrobe nipple cream face cream winter car seat cover teether and formula on Amazon
o Call doctor for Xanax refill
o Buy Fortnite
o And a gazillion chokeable ornaments
