Alien Message Prompts NASA Closure
”No visitors allowed from your shit hole world”
The Federal Government closed NASA after receiving its first official communication from an alien species. The message, delivered with the headline “No visitors allowed from your shit hole world,” included a an intergalactic executive order that banned earth from exploring the galaxy.
“A passing starship recorded transmissions from the planet in 2016. Just after the Presidential campaign began,” said Jill Tarter, director of the Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence. “They monitored for more than a year and found the content so disturbing they banned us from exploring other planets. Even planets within our own solar system.”
“The Martians screwed us,” she added. “When they learned we might colonize Mars and fuck up their planet the way we fucked up ours, they petitioned the galactic federation to ban immigration.”
“The Martians screwed us. When they learned we might colonize Mars and fuck up their planet the way we fucked up ours, they petitioned the galactic federation to ban immigration.”
The presence of life on Mars surprised earth’s astronomers who believed life possible, not likely. Martians hid under the planet’s surface when homo sapiens drove neanderthals to extinction. The Martians (now evolved into pure consciousness) knew Neanderthals wouldn’t be the last species to fall prey to humankind’s careless treatment of their environment.
The intergalactic executive order reads:
By the authority vested in me as Intergalactic Supreme Executive by the Constitution and the laws of the United Federation of Planets, I Trumpfart R Pompness, [1] declare that:
It is the policy of the UFP to protect its citizens from irresponsible planets who spread their contagion and carelessness past their sphere of gravity. Explorers from the planet identified under section 217(a)(12) of the Immigration and Exploration Agency have been deemed a threat under our exploration policies because the conditions on this planet present heightened threats of aggression, belligerence and contagion, especially the belligerence of their United States, which had, only four years prior we considered an advanced and progressive nation. That such a nation can revert from hope and progress to barbarism, belligerence and genital grabbing in a single election cycle shows how unstable the planet’s inhabitants have become.
That such a nation can revert from hope and progress to barbarism, belligerence and genital grabbing in a single election cycle shows how unstable the planet’s inhabitants have become.
“Something changed in 2017,” Jarter announced. “That’s when they sent the message, which took a year to reach us, that they were building a containment sphere around the earth to keep us from leaving the planet.” She showed a mockup of the proposed plans included with the transmission. “At least we keep the moon.”
The complete order banned six other “contagious” planets, none of which earth astronomers have identified.
The final paragraph of the executive order reads:
UFP will send the bill for the sphere to the planet’s inhabitants. We estimate the final bill to total 750 billion, trillion quadrillion of the planets Euro currency. We regret this decision. Having discovered their Voyager spacecraft, we had hoped to trade with the planet for more Chuck Berry. We regret that television and radio waves will not penetrate the sphere for fear of contamination.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
