Monty Python writes #$!* Software!
OR WHY PARIS IS FOREVER RUINED FOR ME GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL
Paris: City of Light? My Aunt Assia! City of Perpetual PTSD. And ya, Assia is her name and ya, she’s taken a lot of crap for it but she’ll put you on the floor buddy. Sorry. Just the word. Par..Pari…god..
PARIS… ERP…(I hate swallowing puke) Paris is the name of a software program used by Alberta Health Services in Canada and developed in the U.K. to apparently stick its tongue out at France, though France probably would have more readily noticed farting in their general direction. Paris was developed, I am CERTAIN, by Monty Python’s Fucking Evil Flying Circus.
Paris is full of Drop Down Menus of Doom. “It’s such a wonderful program.” They told us. “You don’t have to type anything, it’s all just drop downs. Just click. That’s all. Just click.” Just click just click just click just click just click just…fuck. Sorry.
Just. Click. We all just clicked that first time. Unsuspecting users suddenly find their mouths filling with bile on their first horrifying dizzying plunge into a Paris Drop Down.
My first fall came when I searched the Alert Drop Down. I was looking for an Alert for Allergies. ‘Alert for Allergies’. It looks so innocent, doesn’t it? Just Click.
An Alert, obviously, ALERTS nurses to potential risk to patient or staff. Allergies can include throat closing, life-threatening anaphylaxis or just hives on a hairy butt where hives are hard to locate but pretty much any anti-itch creme slathered everywhere will cover it. Just. Click.
I. Clicked. I clicked the Alert Drop Down expecting to find ‘Allergies’ at the top. I could see all of the ‘A’s in the first click; astonishingly ‘Allergies’ was not in the A’s.
My brain said, ‘Impossible. Look again. You’ve missed it.’ I looked again. I didn’t miss it because you cannot miss something that is not there.
I began to scroll down wondering what on the blue green Earth one could have listed ‘Allergies’ under if not A. Or B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R…YES! It is under ‘S’ for ‘SEE ALLERGIES’.
I have been dropped down off the top of the Eiffel tower onto my head.
‘This is a joke.’ My addled brain said. ‘Take a sip of coffee, look away from the screen, and then look again because this cannot POSSIBLY be.’
Oh, it be.
It be and it was only the beginning. Just. Click. Again.
‘Falls’. People fall. It is important to know that people can fall. Falling is a major risk to the elderly and the infirm and the drunk. F? F you say is the logical answer to where you would find an Alert for Falls? Well, let me tell you, Mr. Spock did not, regrettably, have anything to do with the development of PARIS.
No. Falls was not under F. Or G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, ahhhh! Here it is!
FALLS is under T! It makes perfect sense if you’re a demented, diabolical, deviant because Falls is under ‘T’ for ‘TENDENCY to fall.’
Just. Click. Again.
Pets in the home? An alert for pets? Under ‘P’? No? How about we try ‘C’ for Cat? Nope. ‘D’ for Dog? Na ah. Let’s try, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M — ah ha!
M. Well, at least we didn’t have to go so far down the alphabet this time. Yes, the pet alert was under ‘M’ for ‘MAY BE pets in the home’.
WHO designed this? Now, Monty Python was my original guess because it was a sort of funny turn in the way that the Argument Room and Dead Parrots et al were funny in the most absurd of ways.
But, Monty Python was never this EVIL. I don’t know which British people were responsible for this misery.
I only know they are rich and lounging on a yacht anchored off the French Rivera drinking Bordeaux and killing themselves laughing over the chaos they have wrought using the name of their favourite nemesis’ capital city. AND, they are living the high life in that very country they have mocked so richly.
Don’t even get me started on the PARIS Diagnostic Codes List.
Just don’t.
Click.
