Allow This Handy Skills Assessment Test To Crush Your Dreams
Hello and thank you for applying for the open position at WE KNOW EVERYTHING, the world’s leading web design, development, and digital marketing company. You have been invited to take a skills assessment test so our executives can focus on your abilities, giving all candidates an equal opportunity to shine.
In other words, we’d rather a computer make the final decision as opposed to interviewing candidates ourselves, even though we may be working alongside you for years to come. Besides, we recently scaled back to a two-day workweek, and we are all out of the office, working on our mental health everywhere from Aspen to Ibiza.
The assessment will take approximately 67 minutes and requires a webcam, so we can watch you agonizing over whether to choose “A,” “B,” “Neither A nor B,” “A and possibly B” or “Cannot be determined,” knowing that choosing incorrectly could keep you unemployed in this ridiculously tight job market. But, if you score well, there is no way your resume will be overlooked. At least that’s what the sales rep said when he sold us this assessment software.
Don’t Let the First Question Fool You
You will be answering a series of questions designed to showcase your leadership and management skills. First, let’s do a practice question.
Read this statement thoroughly: How would you sign your name on official documents?
A. My first name, followed by my last name
B. Somebody else’s name
Now let’s begin the actual test.
“You manage a sales team. Adam, a team member, has been regularly showing up late for work, reeks of cannabis and bourbon, and ignores tasks that are part of team projects. You have received several complaints from other team members about Adam’s behavior. What do you do, knowing this is 2023 and Adam could sue for wrongful termination?”
A. Tell the team Adam just kind of “looks” like a guy who is probably going through a divorce and to give him some space.
B. Ask Adam if putting a bottle of Maker’s Mark in the breakroom could help improve his performance.
C. Even though all employees get unlimited paid time off, tell Adam that, as of today, he is getting a raise so now he’ll make even more for not showing up at work.
D. Say, “This sounds like an issue for HR.”
“One of your direct reports who has been at the company for five years recently admitted she has not received as much training and career-advancement opportunities as she would have liked over the last 12 months. She feels she may need to look for a new job in order to grow. What should you do?“
A. Find available training programs in the company to help her learn something new.
B. Begin referring to her as “Miss Smarty Pants” in group chats.
C. Ask her to be “patient” without defining what “patient” really means.
D. Say, “This sounds like an issue for HR.”
“You have a truly kick ass idea for a rebranding strategy, although we try not to say ‘ass’ at WE KNOW EVERYTHING as it is offensive to some of our ‘posteriorly challenged’ employees. Nevertheless, how should you communicate this idea with the leadership team?”
A. Email, text, ping, follow up email.
B. Text, ping, email, follow up ping.
C. Ping, ping, ping, ping.
D. Text, “This sounds like an issue for HR.”
What? You Thought You Scored Well?
Sixty-seven minutes later…
“This concludes the leadership and management skills test. We will contact you within the next week with your results.”
Forty-five seconds later…
“We regret to inform you that, because you missed one question, you have not been selected for this position. While we are sure you would be an incredible asset to the WE KNOW EVERYTHING team, the computer disagrees; and who are we to argue with technology?
“Please subscribe to our mailing list so you can stay up to date on other career opportunities. However, you will be required to take this same assessment test again. That’s just the way we roll.
“If you feel this test does not accurately represent your skill set, take it up with HR.
“We are late for our team building event in Ibiza.”
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator/host of the streaming TV series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.
