Alumni Association Prepares to Celebrate 100 Years of Shameless Donation Seeking Later This Fall
Central Iowa, The Loran University Alumni Association announced Tuesday that it plans to celebrate its 100th Anniversary later this Fall while hosting numerous exciting reunion festivities.
Graduates and their families are invited to return in November of 2024 to visit old friends and classmates, tour the campus, meet with faculty members, and participate in a range of activities as the association proudly marks a full century of successfully employing thoughtless, repetitive, and extremely annoying strategies aimed at draining the financial resources of others in order to advance various university programs and causes.
According to sources, Loran’s rather intensified efforts over the past several years to bother the ever-living shit out of former students with obnoxious phone calls, pamphlets, newsletters, and emails begging for donations are seemingly paying off for the rapidly expanding post-secondary institution hell-bent on advancing its rank among other profoundly expensive liberal arts colleges that are already notorious for falsely indoctrinating generations upon generations of middle class youth and leaving them completely unprepared for the rigors of working hopelessly and tirelessly for a Company that will fire them unexpectedly if they make a single mistake.
While many of its recent degree earners still struggle to make ends meet as they deal with raising children, making house and vehicle payments, looking for different careers, getting divorced, and even going back to school out of the desperate need for further education and training, Loran was able to boast a new addition to its extremely popular (and heavily used) Spreadeagle Recreational Center earlier this year.
Upon reflecting on the massive turn-out for Loran’s 99th Reunion Party, held in November of 2023, Director of Alumni Relations, Dick Johnson, 52, offered several highlights from the extremely large gathering that involved several generations of former students from all over the state blissfully reminiscing about the purely wonderful things they did when they were younger.
“It was great and just so much fun,” said Johnson, who caught up with former fraternity members Bill McKinley and Fred Harper, both from the Class of ’02, who remembered smoking marijuana and drinking so much hard liquor that they fell off the bleachers during a football game while Ryan Kroep, Class of ’01, laughed hideously about the time he took a dump in front of the library and spent the entire night running away from campus security.
“The beauty of reconnecting with our graduates was truly in the air,” Dick added, after recalling that Laura Kohler, Class of ’03, was more than happy to talk about the wonderful evening when she took ecstasy for the first time and cheated on her boyfriend by blowing half of the Men’s Basketball Team as Aaron Becker, Class of ’04, couldn’t help but think about all the Friday nights he spent weeping alone in his dorm room while ferociously masturbating to night-time infomercials for bun and thigh rollers.
“So many beautiful souls showed up. I was truly beside myself,” Johnson concluded, upon remembering that Alex Smith, Class of ’05, somehow got intoxicated enough during the celebrations that he actually wandered around in Wycliff Hall, the dormitory he used to live in, and was simply brought to tears by the fact that it still smelled like ramen noodles, depression, old carpet, and butt-fucking.
Amidst a very busy fall season of sending out massive amounts of emails and newsletters to former students who are currently going broke and struggling for a reason to keep living, administrators at Loran remain very hopeful that they will have a profoundly wonderful and magnificent turnout at this year’s Alumni gathering.
