America From the Perspective of an Upside Down Flag
Psst. Hey you. Can you help me? Some unwashed twenty-something put me upside down. Can you please turn me upright? I look stupid. All the other flags are laughing at me. I’m like the Rudolph of flags. I’ve been like this for over a month now and it’s not getting any better.
Don’t you see how my stars look slanted? One of the other flags — Finland — was like, “Why does it even matter if your stars appear slanted since actual stars are big explosive balls of hydrogen and yours are just some juvenile geometric shape?” Can you believe that prick? And then Malta was all “I heard the points of your five-pointed stars represent the five wounds of Jesus, and it doesn’t matter which way Jesus bled.” Like OK Malta. Thanks for that feedback. Maybe you should try consuming more oil. THEN Puerto Rico was like, “You’re missing a star anyway.” *eye roll* Nobody likes the 51-star flag designs!
And my stripes! I look like Waldo. I mean, technically they’re in the same order, but the presentation is just wrong. And would you believe Luxembourg had the nerve to tell me, “Well thirteen is an unlucky number anyway.” Shut up Luxembourg. You don’t even have privatized healthcare.
Anyway, everything I see is inverted. I’m like an astronaut who thinks they’re sleeping on the floor of the ISS but really they’re on the ceiling. I’m in front of City Hall now, and from this point of view, it’s hard to tell who’s fighting who. The people with guns are on offense. I think their guns are supposed to be for defense? And there’s this big health crisis going on, and I know this sounds crazy, but, like, the government isn’t doing anything? They just tossed people twelve hundred dollars and said Good luck suckers!
Actually wait — I can see perfectly. Just burn me.
