America, if Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz Becomes President
Is Howard Schultz ready to promise the American people “a mocha in every cup holder and a scone in every break room”?
In 1928, a similar slogan propelled Republican presidential candidate Herbert Hoover to victory. Promising voters “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage,” Hoover trounced Democratic rival Al Smith, only to have his slogan nullified, and his popularity undone, by the Great Depression a year later.
Now Schultz, who recently stepped down as Starbucks’ executive chairman amid speculation he is angling to become the Democratic nominee for president in 2020, faces a challenge similar to the Oval Office’s current occupant. Namely, how to convince voters a businessman is qualified to lead the country.
I’ll admit, I’m already more intrigued with candidate Howard Schultz than I ever was with candidate Donald Trump. Perhaps that’s because I’ve never stayed in a Trump hotel, grilled a Trump steak, knotted a Trump tie, hacked my way around a Trump golf course or enrolled in Trump University. Also, I’ve never been a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice so I can’t really relate to the guy.
But Schultz? His coffee brainchild is part of my daily existence. A tall, skim latte wakes me up. An Iced Caffe Americano cools me down. A venti Frappuccino puts on the pounds and a Chicken and Quinoa Protein Bowl will, hopefully, take them off. THIS is the businessman I’d rally around, never mind that he’s never held public office. As of Nov. 8, 2016, experience in, or knowledge of, government is no longer a prerequisite to being president.
And if Schultz won? I already have some ideas for how to make our government hum like the world’s most efficiently run Starbucks, presided over by the nation’s “barista in chief.”
For starters? All cabinet positions would be retitled with difficult-to-pronounce, Italian-sounding names. Secretary of Defense? Not anymore. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un wouldn’t dare threaten the United States once he met the “Grande Bombino,” who, with a swipe from an iPhone app, could effortlessly order a first strike with “a double shot of nukes.”
Our vice president? Now known as the “chai president,” a pleasing, relaxing alternative to Schultz, if necessary.
Speaking of the cabinet, Schultz’s inner circle would begin meetings in a far different manner than the members who answer to Trump. Rather than go around the room and have all cabinet members praise his merits, as Trump has been wont to do, Schultz would take coffee orders, writing the names of each official on separate cups. Complex requests, such as “extra shot, light ice, no whip” would be tolerated only if the United States is not under attack on that particular morning. Otherwise, everybody gets strong black coffee and plain bagels.
Schultz could keep his job approval numbers strong through surprise announcements via his Twitter feed. Americans angry with an executive order or Schultz’s steadfast support for a hot-button issue like gay marriage would quickly calm down once President Schultz tweeted steep, temporary discounts on all Cinnamon Dolce Lattes. Addicts of that beverage would praise the move and wait in line for hours for the chance to save a few bucks, even if the beverage was ultimately prepared by a married gay couple.
Outside the White House, visitors cueing up for tours could take advantage of free Wi-Fi. And, rather than stand in the hot sun, tourists could sit at an array of bamboo tables and ergonomic chairs, provided they weren’t already occupied by aspiring screenwriters, which could easily be the case. What better way to achieve literary inspiration than by staring across the street at protesters booing Schultz’s pro-immigration policies?
Finally, during his inaugural address, Schultz would proudly proclaim that White House bathrooms are now open to all Americans, as part of the country’s new sensitivity policy. Strolling near Pennsylvania Avenue and feel the urge to relieve yourself? No need to purchase anything from the White House gift store or make a campaign contribution.
The People’s House is now the People’s Urinal.
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
