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American Airlines, Jealous Of All The Attention United Has Been Getting, Now Tries Its Own Hand At Passenger Abuse.

By Steven W. Rouach

A Woman, Emotionally Overwhelmed By American Airlines’ Exciting New Promotion!

Ahhh the airline industry. All the fun and good spirits the country formerly known as America (RIP 2016) has been experiencing for the last 100 days or so, seems to have seeped into air travel, causing many fun new innovations in commercial flight as recently seen from United Airlines, and now, American Airlines as well.

Obviously American Airlines was very jealous of all the publicity United Airlines’ “Fly As You Die” program has been generating, so they decided to up their ante and try their own hand at passenger abuse.

A new video where an American Airlines flight attendant hit a young mother with her own stroller, narrowly missing her baby, and causing the woman to sob uncontrollably, has been seen by millions and will be the main marketing tool for America Airlines’ EXCITING NEW “Get Clobbered Before Your Flight And Make Sure Your Baby Has A Helmet Program”.

I spoke with a spokesperson for American Airlines, Mr. Justin Casey Howells who give me this statement:

“The United Airlines stunt was hard to top. Beating a really old guy to a pulp got them a lot of attention. They obviously really knew what they were doing. They beat him very scientifically so that he remained conscious despite his many brutal injuries which is what made their video so compelling. Had he blacked out and they just dragged him off, it wouldn’t have had the same impact. We had a ton of brainstorming sessions and we were originally gonna get a bunch of adorable kittens and crack their heads open in-flight, but there were legalities involved, so we decided to hit a young mother and her newborn baby to show what the NEW American Airlines is all about. Sadly we missed the baby, so we obviously have to train our attendants to move way quicker. One idea is to hit the baby with it’s own stroller first and then the mother after, and although we obviously need more research, I think we’re off to a decent start.”

The woman, still unidentified due to her still sobbing uncontrollably, was boarding her flight when a highly skilled American Airlines flight attendant decided to test out their new program. The attendant, Mr. Hugh Jassell quickly grabbed the woman’s stroller and hit her with it to the delight of the other terrified passengers, but the woman moved her infant baby too fast for it to be clobbered too. The airline says it was disappointed in the flight attendant’s actions, as they really hoped he’d hit the baby on the soft spot on the top of its head, as per their promotion, and that they removed Jassell from duty while they investigate why he missed.

FUN FACT: Hugh Jassell (Pictured) is part of an American Airlines’ Cutting Edge Science Program, where they create flight attendants in a lab, by giving sentience to a genetically engineered big toe, teaching it to be violent, and then dressing it in a uniform.

I interviewed Hugh Jassell, who had this to say:
“The woman obviously didn’t read the back of her ticket that said “the chances of being hit by a blunt object if you’re a young mother holding a baby is 100%. Also note that in a perfect scenario your baby will be hit over the head too, so please plan your travel accordingly.”

United Airlines, not to be outdone, has released this statement:

“Obviously American Airlines’ plan to hit young mothers and babies was a stroke of genius. The kind of idea that revolutionizes the industry.
Sure we invented the concept of beating up old people until their families can’t recognize them, but now that seems old hat. We obviously have to up our game. We’re now inventing ejection seats that can propel our passengers 1250 kilometers per second into a soundproofed chamber of rotating knives, but we’re still in testing. We’re also further developing our program of having scorpions crawl out of the luggage compartments and land on the heads of random passengers*, but we’ve genetically engineered a new breed of them that makes them virtually unstoppable and unable to be killed.” (*Google it. “United Airlines Scorpions”… because sadly, I could never make up something so amazingly awesome).

American Airlines, realizing it was difficult to find flight attendants who are willing to hit babies with blunt objects, worked with famed inventor and scientist Gomez Addams to solve this problem.

Gomez Addams, Invents New Militarized Flight Attendant Prototype For American Airlines

Here’s Gomez Addams’ statement:
“I say old chap, when American Airlines first hired me to develop a creature to specifically hurt their passengers, my first prototype was called “Thing” a sentient hand I developed to strangle those who fly American Airlines, but the problem was, being a detached hand it, couldn’t get the proper leverage to punch any babies, or hit them with objects.

Pictured: Early Addams Assault Prototype, “Thing”.

“So then, I had an idea where passengers could get crushed by a giant foot, but Monty Python immediately sued us for copyright infringement. THEN I shouted “EUREKA!!!” which is my favorite brand of vacuum cleaner or else I would have shouted “Electrolux!!!, But I shouted ‘Eureka’, and came upon the idea of taking a big toe from a cadaver, growing it a body in a specialized ionic solution, giving it sentience and teaching it to maul and assault, to come up with American Airlines’ NEW flight attendant prototype. The electricity in its body can also be used to test light bulbs. Hugh Jassell was the first in this series and I’m very excited about the violence that will be generated from my work. My next version will have meat-hooks for hands that can penetrate the skulls of two babies simultaneously, just in case passengers have twins on a flight”.

Hugh Jassell, Former Flight Attendant, Now Demoted to Testing Airline Landing Lights Due To His Slow Reflexes.

So, EXCITED by these new and innovative airline promotions? Will passengers be drawn to having their babies pummeled by American Airlines or decide to have their faces reconstructed by United Airlines? With so many choices we can’t wait to fly again! ( And for fans of aviation based acts of brutal violence, here’s my original story about United Airlines:

Written by Travel & Aviation Expert, Steven W. Rouach

©2017 SWRouach



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Steven Rouach

Steven Rouach

Is a carbon based life form from Earth. Anyone who tells you he's not is absolutely lying. He's known for being dashing, heroic & humanity's last, best, hope.