American Legends: Accountant of the Sea
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the New York Times that would change the life of one Percible T. Hurthwaite forever. For, one Sunday, while flipping through the want-ad section of the newspaper, Percible spotted an ad that struck him with the force of a thunderbolt. The ad read, “Wanted — young man to serve as crewmember on great sailing vessel. Knowledge of seamanship required. Typing skills helpful. Apply today in person at Pier 9 between 12N-6P.” Percible could hardly control his excitement as he leapt out of his chair, grabbed his jacket, and dashed out of his shabby, cramped Manhattan apartment.
On his way downtown, Percible’s mind raced with anticipation. For, ever since he could remember he had always dreamt of sailing. No life seemed more fulfilling to him than that of a seaman. Sailing to exotic places; meeting strange people; going weeks without bathing — now that was living! Most of his adult life had been spent jumping from one boring accounting job to another. Yes, these jobs paid the bills, but they left him with a feeling of emptiness — a feeling that his life had become devoid of any meaningful significance. But he would hear none of this now. He thought only of the glory that his future held. Suddenly, as he neared the pier, reality reared its ugly head, and an icy chill ran through his body. Not only did he become frightened at the prospect that he might not actually get the job, but he also noticed in his earlier excitement he had forgotten to put his pants on before leaving his apartment. Feeling rather embarrassed, Percible returned to his home and clothed himself in the appropriate manner.
When he finally arrived at Pier 9, Percible asked a young sailor if he could direct him to the venue for his interview. The sailor guided him through a short labyrinth of docks eventually pointing to a ship way off in the distance, “That’s the ship — the S.S. Senility. Ask for Captain Jack.” As Percible neared the ship his eyes grew wide in amazement. It was the ship he had so often envisioned in his dreams an 18th Century Dutch Almond Fudge Merchant vessel whose giant oak masts were mighty enough to humble Poseidon himself.
As he boarded the ship still in awe, a voice beckoned him, “Can I help you laddy?” Regaining his composure, Percible turned and said, “Oh hello, I’m looking for Captain Jack.” The man replied, “Looks like you found him. Sit down.” The captain motioned to a small wooden stool on the main deck. Percible sat. The captain sat directly across from him and paused a few seconds getting a read on the young man in front of him. After a few seconds, the grizzled old salt began, “Now my boy, I believe you’re here in response to that ad in the Times, right?” Percible eagerly replied, “Yes sir. Why, ever since I was a little boy, I’ve wanted to sail the great seas.” The captain stroked his short white beard and continued, “I see. I see. Have you ever had any experience sailing?” Percible humbly replied, “Not really Sir. But I’m a fast learner. I promise I will be the hardest working man on this ship, or my name isn’t Percible T. Hurthwait.” The captain continued, “Describe your best quality and your worst quality.” Percible thought for a moment and said, “Let’s see…on the bad side I have a tendency to get on people’s nerves occasionally. On the good side I have tremendous bladder control.” The captain looked Percible straight in the eye and asked, “Can you talk like a sailor?”. “Aye Aye cap’n”, responded Percible. The captain announced, “Well I think I’ve heard enough. Congratulations young man.” Percible stood and shook the captain’s hand as he said, “Thank you sir. This is indeed a great honor. When do I start?” The captain replied, “Tomorrow morning at dawn. Bring your gear and be ready to sail.”
Percible could not believe his good fortune. A sailor, a sailor, he was finally going to be a sailor. The next morning, he showed up ready and willing to work. After he boarded the ship, he was told to report to ensign Uberwaddle who assigned him the job of swabbing the landing deck. As Percible attended to his job the mighty ship pulled out of the harbor beginning its voyage. Percible, realizing he did not know the destination of the ship asked one of his shipmates where the first stop would be. “Lisbon, my friend. We’re going there to liberate the Prussians.” answered the crewman. Percible, confused queried, ”Liberate the Prussians? What are you talking about?” The sailor muttered something about the Kaiser and his moribund dog. Thinking the sailor mentally deficient, Percible responded “Oh yes I forgot.”
After he finished cleaning the deck Percible went to the bridge and requested to see the captain. “What is it, my boy?” asked the captain while he kept his hands steady on the wheel. “Well sir, I was wondering if you could tell me where we were going.” Percible inquired. Captain Jack replied, “What’s a matter laddy, have you no sense of adventure?” Percible answered, “It’s not that sir. But when I asked one of the crewmen, he told me that we were going to Lisbon to liberate the Prussians?” The captain laughed and said, “He was just joking with ya, boy. Our mission is much more important than saving some unworthy Prussians.” The captain surveyed his surroundings to see if others were in earshot as he leaned in to Percible and continued, “We’ve been commissioned by good King Stanislav to rid the high seas of that dreaded pirate “Blackbeard.” Percible countered, “But this is the 21st century. There are no pirates like that anymore.” The captain retorted, “Aye that’s just what that devil Blackbeard wants you to think. But I knows he’s still out there as sure as I’m standing here. He’s waiting for his chance to strike again. Me thinks he’s hiding out by the Bering Straits near Panama and that’s where we’re headed. “A stunned Percible remarked, “But sir, the Bering Straits are near Alaska not Panama.” “Don’t confuse me boy and get off the bridge!” ordered the angry captain.
Percible became frightened. He decided to ask some of the other crewmen if they knew where the ship might be headed. Each one had a different and more confusing answer. One man even suggested that they were on their way to the moon to open an family style Italian restaurant. Percible struggled with his thoughts. Was he losing his mind? Could he be the one who was crazy? He would not have time to find the answers to those questions.
As the ship headed farther out towards the open sea, the winds began to pick up, the water became choppier; and the rain began to fall. In only a matter of minutes the heavens erupted, and a powerful storm ripped through the great masts of the S.S. Senility. The mighty ship was tossed about like a leaf on an Autumn afternoon. The crew worked feverishly to keep her afloat and Captain Jack tried to hold her steady, but the storm inevitably proved too much for them.
By morning the S.S. Senility no longer was afloat. She had been shattered into a thousand pieces of driftwood that now lay strewn across the bounding main. Fortunately, for Percible, in the midst of the storm he had been thrown from the ship and had been able to pull himself onto one of the many remnants of the ship’s hull that remained afloat. For as far as he could see, he alone had survived this angry tempest. As days passed and Percible drifted farther out to sea he became increasingly discouraged. He was beginning to think that no one would ever find him.
Then, one day when all hope had just about dissipated from Percible’s weary soul, a passing ship spotted him. The crew of the ship brought Percible aboard and gave him food and water. Percible had been saved. He was very happy and offered to show his gratitude to the crew by dancing for them. They politely declined his offer. When Percible regained his senses, he asked the crew where he was. One of the kindly crewmen replied, “You’re on board a Coast Guard Cutter. What happened to you?” Percible proceeded to tell the man the whole story about the crazy crew and the terrible storm. The crewman said, “Sounds like you’ve had a rough few days. You’d better rest.” Percible sighed, “I wish I would have stayed with accounting.” The crewman asked, “Did you say you were an accountant?” Percible answered, “Yes, but why do you care?” The crewman said, “It just so happens that the Coast Guard is looking to hire a few accountants. Would you be interested?” Percible replied, “Interested? I’d be delighted!”
And so, in the weeks that followed Percible joined the Coast Guard and was given the rank of Accountant First Class. He performed all his duties: preparing tax returns; balancing cash books; and tracking salmon poachers with equal diligence and fastidiousness. The following year he was awarded the Coast Guard Accounting Division’s highest honor, the Silver Clip for demonstrating extraordinary bravery in the face of an audit. With the passage of time, it became clear to Percible that fate had guided him to his one true destiny. A destiny of virtue and of triumph where man and fish together can share in the ocean’s abundance of riches.
It is said that if you look out into the ocean on a clear day you can see a man aboard a Coast Guard Cutter with a ledger book by his side, the ocean breeze at his back and a smile on his face. That man is a happy man named Percible T. Hurthwait.
