I sip my coffee as I peruse the ‘Which Harry Potter Character Are You’ questions. Normally, I ignore these quizzes but it’s a lazy Sunday morning. What’s your ideal way to spend a Friday night? Going to a bar with friends sounds fun. Pick your favorite food. I would kill for a decent pizza. Favorite Animal? I have to google ‘Hippogriff’ but once I do, it’s a no-brainer. A few more clicks and I sit back and wait.
You are Ron Weasley!
‘Heh, that’s unfortunate,’ I say to myself. There’s nothing wrong with Ron but I was hoping for Sirius Black or at least Severus. I’m given the option to try again. I’ve got nowhere to be. Why not?
This time I’ll try harder. Ideal Friday night? A play at the theater. Favorite food? Sushi. Those choices are decidedly un-Weasley. Favorite animal? Still a Hippogriff because those things look badass. The first round I chose the Maurader’s Map as my favorite item because I didn’t see the Cloak of Invisibility. Duh, of course, I want to be invisible! I sip my coffee and wait for the quiz to tell me I’m Sirius.
You are Ron Weasley!
You are Ron Weasley! You are fiercely loyal to your friends and family. Although you aren’t the most talented wizard, you can always be counted on to come to the aid of your more important friends. You would like to be a star like your friend Harry but are content letting others shine and playing your part. Most people don’t realize it, but you can be brave at times. You’re not book smart but you’re no idiot. You love a big meal and think about eating often during the day.
First, who writes this slop, and second, is this quiz gaslighting me about an eating disorder?
Do you want to try again?
Yes, quiz, I do.
I grind more coffee beans and refill my French press. Prepare to get owned, quiz! Favorite food? I order a salad sometimes when I’m out. A salad should at least get me Dumbledore. Friday night? I’ve just had a salad and am feeling light on my feet so let’s go clubbing. Animal? Wasn’t Weasley scared of spiders? Acromantula it is. Favorite Item — Resurrection Stone! Mom would be stoked if I brought Grandpa back for Mother’s Day! I fly through the questions with very non-Weasleyian confidence.
Dude, you are Ron Weasley.
There’s no way! Something must be wrong with the website. I reread Ron’s description, searching for clues as to how I landed Weasley again.
You’re Ron Weasley. You are completely loyal to your friends and family and willing to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. Although you aren’t the most talented wizard, you have friends who are. You love food. So much food. You love food a lot and think about it all day.
Something is definitely off. I close and reopen my browser, clear my cookies, and start the quiz again. Food? How about chicken tikka masala. Friday night? Outdoor concert. Animal? Gimme a Mountain Troll. I choose the Elder Wand, press enter, and whisper ‘suck it, Weasley.’ My mug is empty. Did I drink that entire carafe of coffee?
Accept it, bruh, you are Ron Weasley.
This cannot be happening! I stare at the picture of Ron Weasley’s face. He’s smirking at me, the smug shit.
I shake my laptop like an Etch A Sketch and reboot it again. I consider another coffee but I’m so caffeinated I can actually hear my heart beating so I pour a glass of orange juice and toss in a nip of vodka to take off the edge. I google ‘which Harry Potter character am I.’ A list of sites pops up and I click on a different link. The questions are fairly similar. Night Out? A Tinder date. My wife won’t be thrilled but it’s better than her being married to Ron Weasley. Animal? I go back to Hippogriff this time because screw it, they’re cool. Favorite movie? Oh, Ron is going to hate this — The French Lieutenant’s Woman. This site takes longer than the previous one did, no doubt because it has a more sophisticated algorithm.
You are Severus Snape!
Yes! I knew it!
Just kidding, Ron. You’re Ron Weasley.
What the actual? I scroll past the picture of Ron’s stupid head to read the description.
You are Ron. Ron is you. You will never achieve greatness but will witness it in others. You shouldn’t dare to dream big. Your low sperm count means you will never have children and your wife will leave you. You will go bald and then die alone, Ron.
What the? I walk to the fridge and grab the orange juice and vodka and then text my sister.
Hey Kay! I took a Harry Potter quiz and you’ll never guess which character I got. How are the kids?
A few minutes later Kay responds.
Morning! The kids are fine but they are busy with school and sports. How are you guys?
Typical Kay. She ignores the important stuff and rattles on about whatever pops into her brain.
You didn’t answer the question. hahaha!
I hear my text notification as I’m mixing another screwdriver.
Please. You are Ron Weasley.
How could she say this? We’ve known each other for forty years!
I take my cocktail with me to the bathroom and lock the door. I stand in front of the mirror and stare into my eyes. Are these my eyes? Are these Ron’s eyes?
I can’t be Ron. Can I? I thought I’d at least get Hagrid. But Ron? He’s so vanilla. He’s so, so…
Oh, fuck, I’m Ron Weasley. This — what am I supposed to do with this?
I go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.
I dream but I don’t know if the dream is mine or Weasley’s. I wake up and realize I only have one card to play.
I walk back to the kitchen and turn on my computer, pausing for a moment because I know once I do this there’s no turning back. I take a deep breath and type in the search engine.
“Which Pokemon am I”
I click on the first link. As the site loads, I hear Ron scream in the distance.
Suck it, Weasley.