The Haven
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The Haven

An Open Invitation to the Mar-a-Lago Yard Sale

Get here before the Feds do.

Photo by Paul Povoroznuk on Unsplash

Dear Neighbor,

We were rummaging through my old bankruptcy scrapbooks the other day and had an epiphany: it’s high time we had a yard sale!

So today I am announcing that the Mar-a-Lago Yard Sale is open for business. Come on over and spend a few hours mooching over the merchandise — you won’t be disappointed.

We’ve got boxes of classified government documents at prices that’ll make your eyes water. Pick up a low-level intelligence report for a few bucks, or spicier stuff like Top Secret spy debriefings for a few dollars more. If you’re a real collector, check out the nuke material available at less than the price of a six iron.

And speaking of golf, there’s a selection of my used clubs to peruse. The irons took a hammering while I was President, but they still have a lot of plays left in ’em. Besides, you’ll be able to swing a club once used by a President absconding from the White House.

Looking for something a little out of the ordinary? How about a safe with a broken lock (courtesy of FBI vandals). Just replace the lock (a bunch of ’em I took from the National Archives are on sale) and you have a great storage container for a knock-down price.

You should definitely take a look at our wide selection of used lawyers, political supporters, rioters, and other assorted throwaway lackeys. To be honest (which I always am despite what the rabid left says), these has-beens are not in good shape because they were thrown under the bus at one time or another. But cast-offs are very useful if you have dirty work to do or just want someone around who’ll do everything you say (I recommend the attorney general in the collection, a real gem).

Pay us a visit soon while stocks last. And to sweeten the deal, we’re throwing in a used red tie with original burger stains for the first 10 buyers. We’d love to see you!

The Trumps.

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K. B. Cottrill

K. B. Cottrill

Constantly losing the main plot while finding quirkier ones to write about for print, stage, and screen.