An Open Letter From God to Humanity
Regarding sex and other matters of concern.
Dear human,
Despite having left behind a 1200-page instruction pamphlet on how to live your lives, it has come to My attention that many of you are still confused about My expectations of you.
It seems the vast majority of you couldn’t be bothered to read my 1200-page instruction pamphlet. That hurts! Just because I’m omnipotent doesn’t mean writing that 1200-page instruction pamphlet was easy. Well, I didn’t actually write it. I mostly edited it and curated it. And I didn’t bother to give out a $500 bonus when I wanted to attract more writers. Still, cut a diety some slack! All I’ve done was create the entire freaking UNIVERSE.
It has also come to My attention that among those who have read My 1200-page instruction pamphlet, many of you keep blaspheming Me because you couldn’t get past all the so-called contradictions. I hardly see how that’s My problem! Have YOU tried documenting 6000 years of human history? Didn’t think so.
Anyways, since yours is a generation that has the attention span of a goldfish on tropane alkaloids, I’ve decided to compile a new instruction pamphlet so you can better make sense of your lives. Call this the Bible 2.0 — uh … 3.0 if you count the Book of Mormon — the same Good News you…
