DRY HUMOR

An Open Letter to All The Clever People Who Clap And Run

I will find you and I will slap you

Photo by Joe Caione on Unsplash

Dear Clapper who Runs,

You’re probably never going to read this.

I’m still writing to you because I’m a loser. I always have been.

I put “open letter” in my title so you might see at least that and open my letter. How clever of me!

You presumably won’t even see my title to know — this letter is about you. Even if you did, I know you couldn’t care less. How clever of you!

I’m sure you don’t believe in reading. I understand you have to clap for many stories before you sleep tonight. How do you sleep at night?

In case you stumbled upon this and you’re still reading this out of curiosity or guilt, you know who you are. But what you don’t know is I know exactly who you are.

Let me tell you who you’re dealing with.

I look at my stats and notifications literally every 5 minutes when I’m awake, every 1 hour when I’m asleep. You think you’ve clapped and run without me noticing. But you see, I see you. I see you running faster than Usain Bolt.

Last Saturday night, I fell asleep for 2 hours straight mistakenly. I woke up in a panic…