An Open Letter to Dumbledore From the House of Ravenclaw: Get Your Shit Together
Dear Albus Percival Wulfric Brian (Seriously, Brian?) Dumbledore,
We know that deep down you truly care for us, the students of Hogwarts. You chose to become the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher years (or decades? — centuries? — how frickin’ old are you, anyway?) ago, because you wanted to guide magical youths on their educational journeys. After the First Wizarding War in the mid 1960s, you turned down the position of Minister of Magic to become Headmaster at Hogwarts . You claim it was for altruistic reasons, but let’s be honest: Private schools pay way better than the government. Either way, you’ve since cemented yourself as one of the greatest headmasters Hogwarts has ever had. It’s truly amazing what you’ve done for this school and its students.
However, over the last several years your decision-making has been questionable to say the least. We know about the Butterbeer and the Cornish Pixie dust. We’ve seen the rainbow lines on your desk. We have our suspicions you’re also dabbling in unicorn blood. Regardless, we need you to pull yourself together and see how you’re hurting our school.
- You’ve consistently put the student body in danger. You knew that the MOST DANGEROUS EVIL WIZARD EVER wanted the Sorcerer’s Stone, so you decided to hide it inside the school? What the fuck, dude? Then, to protect the stone, you installed a series of sadistic booby traps designed to kill any person or student that encounters them. Your safety solution was to simply lock the door in a SCHOOL OF MAGIC-CAPABLE STUDENTS. We literally learned Alohomora on the first day. Come on, man.
- You made unfair and impulsive decisions. Do you know how hard we Ravenclaws have worked every year to build up our House Cup points? Countless hours doing extra credit assignments and cleaning up thestral stables (thestrals may be invisible, but their shit definitely is not), just to have you stumble into the Great Hall and casually pull extra points for Gryffindor out of your ass. And let’s talk about your backwards punishments. Students have to stay in their beds after curfew for their own safety, but their punishment for breaking that rule is to make them walk around the FORBIDDEN FOREST unsupervised at night? No rational person would think of that.
- You missed what’s right under your nose. The Chamber of Secrets was just chilling under Hogwarts, and you, THE GREATEST WIZARD EVER, never found it? How? Barty Crouch Jr was masquerading as Mad-Eye Moody in front of you for a whole year and you didn’t notice a damn thing. Also, Harry didn’t even put his name into the Triwizard Cup, and you just figured you’d let him participate and see what happened? Speaking of Harry, do you like that guy or not? It’s honestly hard to tell. You claim to do everything you can to protect him, yet you seemingly put him in life-threatening danger every year. Pick a lane, dude.
- You let Hogwarts’ infrastructure crumble. The building is in complete disarray. Staircases shift without warning. There are snakes in the pipes. Spiders crawl in and out of the building at their own will. There’s a homicidal tree on the grounds that swings at anyone who gets within 50 feet. It’s rare to see a deciduous with such an angry disposition. There are countless ways to break in and out of Hogwarts. Every year someone finds a new entrance to this building that’s supposed to be the safest place in the world. Maybe if you hadn’t blown the maintenance budget at the centaur tracks, some much needed updates could have been made.
We could go on (constant disappearances, changing your entire look between our 2nd and 3rd years, giving a 13 year old the power of time travel), but we feel we’ve made our point. We want to remind you that we all care about you. Except maybe Malfoy. We’d keep an eye on that little aryan shit if we were you. Anyway, some of us don’t have parents that left us a room full of gold (which he’s super stingy with, by the way), so we had to take out loans for this school. Gringott’s interest rates are ridiculously high (fucking goblins), but no one else would give a loans to 11 year olds. We’ll be in debt for the rest of our lives, so at the very least, we’d like to get an actual education. Please, please, get your shit together.
Sincerely,
The Disappointed House of Ravenclaw
