An Open Letter To The Jackass Who Invented The Snooze Button
How you’ve irrevocably destroyed society.
Dear Jackass,
I understand. Getting jolted awake by your alarm clock first thing in the morning is extremely unpleasant. So, naturally, the only solution was for you to invent a button that makes that happen five times every morning. True. Genius. I hope you were promoted at Guantanamo.
No, but seriously, you pillock, let me tell you what you’ve done to society.
I’ll start with something so blatantly obvious that it barely requires mentioning, but I shall mention it nevertheless for the blissfully unaware: the snooze button — quite clearly — is the number one cause of climate change. As we all know, emissions from car travel and production are the world’s number one polluters. Why do we have so many of these emissions? Well, you tosspot, it’s because everybody hits your bloody snooze button three-four times every morning making them so late for work that walking or taking public transit just isn’t a viable option. And because everyone is so late, they’re all speeding to work, so they have to buy gas guzzlers for extra protection in case of an inevitable crash. And, since humanity has found literally no way NOT to use the snooze button, they have to produce more and more gas guzzlers to meet the demand!
If dooming the planet wasn’t bad enough, did you know the rampant divorce rate is your fault too? How many spouses have filed for divorce because they can no longer stand their ex-partner constantly smacking the snooze button repeatedly every morning? Your insistence that what humans really need is eight hours AND NINE MINUTES of sleep is destroying families, arsehole!
And, of course, the overcrowding of jails should rest heavily on your conscience too. Obviously children of divorce are more likely to be spurred onto crime — that’s science — Google it. But it’s also cold, hard science that re-entering a sleep cycle only to be unceremoniously ripped out of it just nine minutes later leaves one feeling groggy. And, I don’t know about you, but when I feel groggy I’m much more inclined to murder someone. How many more poor souls have to be sent to the electric chair because judges are tired of hearing the “it was the snooze button” defence?
Now, let me take you back to a time before we had the snooze button. Do you remember what we did back then? WE GOT UP WHEN THE ALARM WENT OFF! I know, impossible to imagine.
Do you know what else we did back then? We beat Hitler — that’s what. Imagine what would have happened in the 1940s when the alarms started blaring through the streets of London to signal the oncoming of the Luftwaffe if the British had just hit the bloody snooze button on those alarms? Half of us would be dead, the mini moustached maestro of Munich would be in charge, and the closest thing the rest of us would have to an alarm clock would be an SS officer screaming at us in German even louder than German is normally screamed!
Wait a minute! Did you get the idea for the snooze button from Neville Chamberlain? Because that’s what he did, you know? He kept hitting the snooze button on Hitler thinking it would be easier to deal with him later. But where’s Winston Churchill to bail you out when you’ve hit the snooze button so many time that you’re 45 minutes late to work?
Let me paint you a picture of what the world is going to look like if we don’t get rid of this cancerous growth you stuck on an otherwise useful invention, you plonker. Eventually we’re going to get so used to putting off anything unpleasant that we’ll put snooze buttons on bloomin’ everything. What are you going to do when your house is burning down because you kept hitting the snooze button on your oven timer, followed by the smoke alarm, and now the fire brigade is hitting the snooze button on your emergency call?
I suppose you will probably stand there, quite sheepishly and looking like a twit, and say that the snooze button is just an option — you don’t have to use it. I’m sure the inventors of rohipnol and the automatic assault rifle said the same thing. Well, guess what, knob head? If you give people the option to be tits, they’re going to be tits!
Now, I realize as the snooze button was invented in the 1940s, unless it was invented by a child (which it was, but only figuratively) you are most likely, and quite thankfully, dead. I write this to tarnish your memory and in the slight hope that someone will be inspired to go to your grave and, for the rest of time, defecate on it every nine minutes so you may never ever rest in peace you arse-licking wank-knoblet!
Sincerely,
Helen Mirren
