An Open Letter to the Stop Sign on My Corner
Dear Stop Sign on My Corner,
Hi, me again, Chris from a few doors down. How are things? Hey just wanted to run something by you real quick…get lost.
The neighbors and I got together last week and talked some things out. Not surprisingly, your name came up. We’ve all simply reached a point where none of us have time to look left, right, straight, and left again. The kids need to make it to practice on time, and you know Michelle from next door is always running late. Safety not first, friend-o!
I know, I know. You “serve a purpose.” You’re a cultural phenomenon, a pillar of society. You’re bursting with the redness of 1,000 roses. You have more sides than a heptagon could ever know what to do with. Remember the first person to put a “Don’t” sticker on the top and “Believing” one on the bottom? Man that was an inspiration! You’ve got a lot going for you, but…we’ve had enough, and we definitely don’t need you anymore.
We all see the, um, signs, that your services are becoming increasingly unnecessary. You’re smart, Stop Sign. I know you notice that 99% of us drivers around the neighborhood could give two shits about your purpose. If you’re such a “safety precaution,” why doesn’t anyone care about what you stand for? You know driving these days is not about being courteous or smart, but fast.
You know what else? All of the honking throughout the 75 near accidents a day is exactly what this neighborhood needs. Who doesn’t love the constant blaring of horns while trying to work from the couch? There’s nothing better than breaking up the monotony of an important Zoom meeting with a client than a quick “sorry, that was me, I’ll mute…heh.” They love it, we love it, it’s just classic work from home humor. If you could go ahead and make like a tree and fuck off, all of us neighborhood drivers wouldn’t expect each other to stop, causing less anger and subsequent honking.
Lot of younger families in the neighborhood, Stop Sign. Strollers galore rolling through day by day. You know what would clear up that stroller traffic and get these people moving? You guessed it; no time-wasting red metallic octagons. If we could turn our lovely neighborhood into a mini Autobahn, you bet your flat ass those babies would quit with the leisurely strolls and get the hell out of the crosswalk when Michelle’s kids have soccer in 10 minutes.
You’ve been a member of this neighborhood for a long time, and you know we love our block parties. We’re always all so busy these days, so any time we can find time to get together is golden. You know what takes time and brings us together? More accidents. Once you get out of dodge, Stop Sign, all of us are bound to start running into each other more (literally). That time together is precious; and a great way to meet anyone new on the block!
Listen, we’ve been neighbors for a few years now, and we’ve had a pretty good run. But all good things must come to an end, and I think we both know your services are no longer needed. This is an argument in which I will be proud of my failure to yield.
Best of luck moving forward,
Chris Cook
