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Satire
An Oral History Of When Baby Trey Was Christened With A Champagne Bottle
He’ll be fine.
Ed (husband): I really don’t get all the craziness. As a Navy vet, I’ve been christening ships for years. It’s supposed to be a happy time for crying out loud.
Sara (nurse): I didn’t think much of it at first. A lot of husbands like to bring champagne in the room to celebrate, which of course is what I thought it was for.
Ed: This was never intended to be a surprise or anything. I told everyone at least two times that I was christening the baby today. When I asked if I could bring the bottle in, everyone said, “Sure!” or
“Just be careful!” or even, “That’s so sweet!” Boy, did I misread the room.
Julie (wife): Christening the baby like that scared the living shit out of me. It’s a good thing I had an intrathecal.
Ed: I guess everyone thought I was going to drink the champagne, which was weird. There were no glasses to drink out of, and I haven’t had a drink in fifteen years.
Sara: I didn’t think it was that weird that there were no glasses anywhere. I thought maybe Ed was just going to pop it open and take a big gulp from it or something. But now I finally understand why he was doing all those practice swings with it.
