Another Novel Way to Hurt Oneself
It’s an outlet for creativity
Divine retribution is the province of the goddess Nemesis. She metes out punishment when a mere mortal exhibits a lack of humility by defying the gods. She is the Goddess of Unintended Consequences.
Nemesis frowns upon machines that allow mortals to think their powers rival the Gods. The unsinkable Titanic comes to mind. But smaller machines such as chainsaws also offend her. Only the gods should be able to rend a tree in seconds. Hence Nemesis often intercedes and punishes those who display their arrogance when using such devices by crushing them with said tree.
Recent events have resulted in the inclusion of another device in the list which arouses the ire of the Goddess.
The storage rack for tools was finished. All that needed to be done was to remove the seldom-used grinder from its perch on the wall so that the rack could be wheeled into position. The impact driver rapidly removed a pair of hold-down screws to release the heavy grinder from its perch. However, the two support arms had foolishly been installed rather close together. What moron would have done such a thing?
The driver had to be inserted between two studs to get at the screws holding each arm. The driver just fit at the proper angle for best torque, so it was quickly inserted and the trigger pressed.
The well-charged battery provided more than enough electrons to make the driver leap into action, and the screw came flying out. This forced the driver backward forcefully at a high rate of speed.
Usually, the backward motion of the driver is of no consequence, but in the tight space, rearward travel was limited. Fortunately, there was no damage to the rear of the driver, since a human digit was there to cushion it.
As all skilled medieval torturers will tell you, crushing one’s thumb is quite painful, no matter how the force is applied. The first reaction was to yank it free and cry like a baby, but the tears had to wait, since the thumb was pinned to the stud and would not move.
The remedy required keeping fleeting wits intact long enough to punch the button to reverse rotation and drive the overly long screw back inward to release the flattened thumb. Odd how absent wits that could have been used to provide caution prior to the deed quickly return when prompted by pain.
A small amount of blood appropriately traced a frown at the top of the thumbnail, but the damaged digit looked surprisingly good. A veteran of much stupidity, the perpetrator knew that condition was temporary and ran to the kitchen to run therapeutic cold water over the thumb. After some time, he turned the water off and grabbed a paper towel with the damaged hand. The resulting feeling let him know that while the cold had helped keep swelling down, it did not return normal painless function.
Sadder and for at least a few moments, wiser, the victim returned to the garage and finished the task with the undamaged hand. But not before acknowledging the futility of offending Nemesis.
