Crisp and Refreshing Lies
I’ve known for a very long time that this day would come and with age comes reflection. I have participated in many heinous acts and for me to be able to sleep at night I feel like I must offer apologies to all of you. I apologize for everything below:
- I apologize to all the eating establishments that put their faith in me by handing me a cup built solely to contain free water and immediately filling it with Diet Pepsi and dishonesty.
- I apologize to the anonymous house party host whose cologne I stole in college. You smelled better than me and I needed to rectify this. I drunkenly peed on your toilet seat too. My bad all around.
- I apologize to my friends for excitedly telling them to come over and watch a bootleg copy of “The Force Awakens.” Upon arrival I showed them a video I made in front of my bathroom mirror making lightsaber sounds with a stick I found in my front yard instead.
- I apologize to my little brother. During our pre-cuss words youth I rebelliously teetered on the edge of saying bad words and told him to “Suck Mike Ditka!” and “Get your ASH the FUB out of my face!”
- I apologize to Howie from the Backstreet Boys for a decade plus of slander. Porta Potties should not be described as “smellin like Howie up in here.”
- I apologize for farting near all of your babies. Baby poop smells are acceptable. 38 year old man farts are not.
- I apologize for inviting my friends over for a BBQ and only having RC Cola and Salisbury Steak TV Dinners.
- I apologize for calling people their high school nicknames for decades after high school. This one specifically goes out to Keith “Queef” Miller, Jim “Ball Sack Hugger” Huggins, Brian “Taint Licker” Tate, and Ben “Tig Ol Bennies” Wilson.
- I apologize to Burger King for ordering my burgers with no cheese and instead using the smuggled slices of American Cheese product I brought to the restaurant with me.
- I apologize to Burlington Coat Factory for purchasing dozens of 3xl shirts, wearing them once, and returning them funky the next day because “I bought them for my cousin but he said he already had one just like it.”
- I apologize to my cousin for using your wardrobe contents in a deceitful manner.
- I apologize for buying a hole punch solely to punch fraudulent holes in my 10th one is free fajitas card.