April Fools Day Medium publication titles

Stuart Grant
Mar 30 · 4 min read

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Magazine Rack
Photo by Charisse Kenion on Unsplash

Post Weird Survival Guide

If you’re coming out of a seeking phase where you were experimenting with your sexual identity, dressing in goth or blotting out entire years in a haze of drugs and booze, you’ve come to the right place. Your transition to normalcy starts here. Give your hands a few minutes to stop shaking before you type.

Change Your Underwear, Change Your Life

You don’t have to be a copywriter for an undergarment company to enjoy this one. Sometimes the little things in life like clean ginch against your privates deserves its own twelve minute read. Only one skid mark story per month please.

Tedium

Every year 65,000 newly minted experts are mobilized online to tell you what’s wrong with your career, love life, finances and body mass index. Think of it as your own personal entourage of shrinks, life coaches, investment advisors and match makers. They do this because they love you and they’ll fill you with unsolicited advice 24/7.

Flu Insights

Remember the good old days when people just got the flu every year. The good old flu only killed 600K people annually worldwide. Today’s apocalyptic monstrosity overcompensates for the lack of world wars in culling the species. This is a retrospective on those simpler, if phlegmatic times. Thermometer not included.

Exposing History

Flashers, strippers, pornographers and nudists have been with us since the beginning of time. Those jazz age flappers knew how to have fun long before it was legal. Who says history is boring? You’ve just been reading the wrong stuff. Check your chastity belt at the door.

Equality Includes Everyone But You

This Journal of White Guilt has been a long time coming. When you’re found to be guilty of every injustice in human history, you need to be apprised of your place in the woke world and the warm one waiting for you in the afterlife. The best confirmation of your original sin since Sunday school.

Show Your City’s Urban Decay

We’ve had enough of your feel good postcard’s filled with smarmy civic pride. Send us your graffiti, zombie shopping malls, abandoned buildings, white elephants, environmental catastrophes and urban planning faceplants. Every city has a setting like a Ramones music video and we want yours.

Rage of Empathy

An online journal of compassion fatigue by those in the caring professions. Hear real life social workers, addiction counsellors, pastors and other mental health professionals lose their cool about you and your pathetic expressions of existential suffering. Health expense receipts provided upon request.

Anything But Me Stories

The publication for those whose self esteem gauge is permanently on empty. If you’re not interested in your own story, why would we be? Tell us why you’re a no good piece of human flotsam and do it with vigorous apathy.

The Bigger Picture of Me

Tell us how you got fat, why you’re staying fat and how much you enjoyed the journey to largesse. Every battle over anorexia starts with a good binge and we’ve got our popcorn ready, just dripping with extra butter waiting for the finger licking good details.

Personal Sloth

This pandemic has expanded our capacity and opportunity for personal laziness with the best baked in excuse since chronic fatigue. This is the place for your stories about your moldy bathtub and encrusted, dirty dishes because turning on that dishwasher meant walking all the way across the room.

InActive Publications

A testament to your paltry persistence and quitting spirit as a publishing failure. These remnants of your gnat like attention span are an embarrassing attempt to put publisher on your resume as they occupy internet space like so much tumbleweed. We’ll remind you early and often of these because in techno-speak internet means “for life”.

UnReal Talk About Sex

On the internet, sex is democratized. Every man has a porn star sized penis and every woman has a harem of horny young hard bodies — without those messy incarcerations that middle school teachers land in. Just because Penthouse Forum went the way of printshop porn doesn’t mean your fantasies have to die upon waking up to unglamorous reality. Fake it till you have to prove it in the court of the internet.

The Hyperventilating Machine

When you’re really angry, this is the place to work yourself up into a frenzy. There’s nothing like out-outraging the Q-Anons, SJW’s and Wokesters of this world. The supremacy of your feelings is something the world needs to revolve around. We have paramedics standing by should you lose consciousness. Keep a paper bag nearby to breathe into as fainting spells are not out of the question.

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Stuart Grant

Written by

disparate parts coalescing toward a greater meaning in the pursuit of a fully realized life

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Stuart Grant

Written by

disparate parts coalescing toward a greater meaning in the pursuit of a fully realized life

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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