Area Man Wants Vasectomy the Natural Way
Madison — Moved by his wife’s recent natural birth, Madison local Rich Jensen decided he wants his vasectomy the natural way. “I want to feel proud of what my amazing body can do,” Jensen proclaimed, echoing the inspiring words of his life-partner after she gave birth to their third child in a beautiful but long and exhausting ordeal at home without using anesthesia. “Aren’t the chemicals in anesthesia bad for you or something? Anyway, I wonder if I could use the same doula,” he thought aloud.
Jensen’s partner, Norah, was seated on a nearby couch, and slowly looked up from her smartphone, but promptly looked back as she was posting her 27th birth picture on Instagram. Jensen continued, “I realize it will be extremely painful, but aren’t women constantly saying childbirth is the most painful experience possible? I want to prove that I can withstand even more pain.”
Jensen explained that vasectomies begin by cutting into the actual ball sack, the most sensitive part of a man’s body. The doctor pulls out the vas deferens with his or her hands and slices out a portion on both sides, preventing the flow of sperm to the urethra. “I’m pretty confident of my pain tolerance. I’ve only missed one of my yoga classes this year, plus I’ve watched at least 5 Youtube videos about Lamaze breathing.”
Jensen recalled how his partner had written out a detailed birth plan, setting the right mood. Jensen wrote a rough draft of his vasectomy plan. “I think I picked just the right songs to be playing in the background while I endure the most excruciating pain imaginable. Sarah Mclachlan must have written ‘Uphill Battle’ for just this occasion.”
Jensen seemed sure that undertaking the natural approach to his vasectomy would improve relations with his partner. “It will bring more equality to our relationship,” he asserted. ”I need a good response when my partner complains about the pain she withstood giving birth.” Jensen mentioned that Norah helpfully offered to provide him with frozen diapers afterwards to numb the pain.
Norah rolled her eyes. “You know, a 7 and a half minute outpatient surgery doesn’t really compare to a 12 hour labor and natural birth following 9 months of pregnancy. But I don’t want to discourage him. If he wants to become a hero with his ‘natural’ vasectomy, fine. Why say no to a lifetime of unprotected sex without worrying about pregnancy?” she reasoned.
Rich’s eyes looked out the window and into the distance, as if imagining the pain. “If the procedure does not go as planned I could always take a double dose of Oxycodine,” he offered. “This is sure to double my number of followers on Instagram. It’s something I can do for my family, and, really, all mankind.”
Norah opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
