Artist Rider for National Zoo Pandas’ Return Flight to China
Beyond Bamboo: Final Details for D.C. Pandas’ 19-Hour Trip Home
[Washington, DC recently bid farewell to three of its most popular residents when the National Zoo’s pandas — patriarch Tian Tian (26), mom Mei Xiang (25), and their 3-year-old cub Xiao Qi Ji — returned to China. The following is the finalized rider detailing the particulars of their journey]
To the Board of the Smithsonian Institution -
As the lead representative of their management team and pursuant to our 17 previous calls and in-person meetings, I share this artist rider documenting the conditions under which the world-famous and world-fabulous Xiao Qi Ji, Mei Xiang and Tian Tian (henceforth “the pandas” when referred to collectively) shall depart Washington, DC and travel to the China Wildlife Conservation Association later this month.
Air Transport -
· The pandas shall fly on the world’s largest twin-engine cargo plane
· The craft shall be branded/wrapped in indisputably bad-ass panda-inspired visuals (Xiao Qi Ji has already shared several of his concepts/renderings)
· The craft shall be named “The Giant Panda Express” and all news coverage and air traffic control references to the airplane shall use this moniker.
· The pandas will not be subject to airport security screening nor any contact and/or interactions with the general public (they are very over that scene)
· Although the pandas and their team members (see “travel staffing” below) shall be the sole passengers, the airport public address system will make a pre-boarding announcement inviting “super platinum, VIP celebrity first class passengers” to board. Announcement shall be loud enough for the entire terminal to hear.
· Xian Qi Ji shall get to sit in cockpit for one hour during flight
Travel Staffing -
The pandas 19-hour journey will include a support staff consisting of:
· One nutritionist
· One veterinarian
· One hair stylist
· Three pedicurists
· One yogi
· Felicity (Mei Xiang’s reiki practitioner)
· One suitably famous DJ (note: Marshmello not eligible. Xian Qi Ji still upset over disrespect/refusal to lend mask during 2021 zoo visit)
· Ed (Mei Xiang’s longtime advisor/life-coach)
· Traveling “companionship” for Tian Tian. I believe we all understand what this means and would prefer to not elaborate further in writing. You have the various, very-specific specs from our earlier offline conversations.
Food & Supplies -
· 255 lbs. of bamboo (85 lbs./per)
· Three cases Evian water
· Three cases Casamigos Blanco tequila
· One tray fresh fruit
· One autumn-themed crudites platter
· Two jeroboams Skinny Girl Pinot Grigio (Ed)
· Nine barrels of Panda GORP (pears, sugar cane, butternut squash)
· One jar of Skippy, crunchy style peanut butter
· One jar of good quality grape jelly
· One jar of Goober PB&J (Xian Qi Ji)
· One random empty burlap bag for the pandas to roll around and be adorable with
· One oversized beach ball (see above)
· Three vanity mirrors
· One small handheld mirror and pre-rolled $100 bill (Tian Tian)
· 15 Apple device charging cords
· 255 lbs. of perfectly legal Washington, DC cannabis (85 lbs./per). One-third in gummy form (Xian Qi Ji). One-third in brownies (Mei Xiang). One-third vape cartridges (Tian Tian)
The pandas reserve the right to add/modify this rider within ranges all parties agree to be “fairly reasonable for a panda.” They also remain open and eager to a farewell appearance on a network late night program (note: not Fallon).
Also, it is imperative that the pandas’ National Zoo quarters are emptied and “sanitized” prior to allowing any unauthorized visitors and/or law enforcement. Note: this is particularly critical with regards to Tian Tian’s habitat.
Kindly sign and date to confirm your agreement to and understanding of the above by Nov. 1, Year of the Rabbit (2023).
Thank you/xiè xie/谢谢
Ari Emanuel
CEO, Endeavor
