The Haven
Published in

The Haven

I.C.E. agents lead a handcuffed Virgin mother and baby Jesus to a Walmart detention center. (I.C.E.)

Baby Jesus Jailed

Son of God seized at border by I.C.E. Agents

An hour before Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen M. Nielsen faced down White House reporters, rumors leaked that Laredo, Texas, I.C.E. agents separated the baby Jesus from his parents. “I saw it,” reported former POTUS supporter Ima Beeleaver. “They ripped that baby from the Virgin Mary’s arms and tossed him in the back of a van like he was a nerf ball.”

When asked why she thought she witnessed the arrest of the real baby Jesus, Beeleaver said, “He healed an agent in front of everybody. The man was bald with bad teeth and the baby Jesus touched his cheek. Just like that, a full head of hair and brand new dental implants.” She added, “The halos on the baby Jesus and his mother gave it away too.”

“He healed an agent in front of everybody. The man was bald with bad teeth and the baby Jesus touched his cheek. Just like that, a full head of hair and brand new dental implants.”

Immigration officials deny any records of a baby Jesus in detention but assured The Haven, he’s in the best of care. “We took the shelves out of the janitor’s closet in our Laredo Walmart Detention Center. We gave him the mop bucket for a crib, which is better than the other crybaby fesskins got.”

Nielsen flew to the White House to answer reporter questions because even White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to cover the President’s ass when it comes to abducted babies. When asked about the son-of-God’s arrest, Nielsen said, “Jesus, what is it with you people? Zero tolerance is zero tolerance. If his irresponsible parents broke the law, we have to take their kid. How often do we have to explain it?”

Nielsen’s been forced to explain it often, since her explanations change with every public appearance. One day there is no policy to separate families, the next day they’re enforcing a Democratic law and the next day the policy is God’s will.

The New York Times’ Maggie Haberman asked, “Many Americans believe the son-of-God and God are the same person. How will you explain you separated God from his family?”

“If God can’t read his own damn Bible, it’s his own damn fault. Besides, he’s God, he’s omnipotent. He should have told his parents to stay home.” Keeping her official line as inconsistent as possible, Nielsen later told reporters, “Look, the family didn’t identify themselves as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. They said they were Joe, Maria and Heysoos. How were we to know?”

“If God can’t read his own damn Bible, it’s his own damn fault. Besides, he’s God, he’s omnipotent. He should have told his parents to stay home.”

“Because those names are Joseph, Mary and Jesus in Spanish?” suggested CNN’s April Ryan.

“We don’t require our agents to speak Spanish,” Nielsen snapped back. “This is America. English first.”

Haberman followed with an additional question. “If separation is really Obama’s policy, and he didn’t enforce it, why is this administration so eager to? Can’t he just ignore it, or write an executive order like he does with every other Obama policy?”

Nielsen melted into a puddle of silicon and hair dye. The conference was suspended so maintenance could clean the mess.

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.