Be It Resolved That…
We the People of this fine, if difficult, world do hereby declare the following:
Whereas the arrival of January 1 brings about common and repeatable feelings of post-holiday food guilt, and;
Food guilt is a bad feeling, man. And;
The People of all age, gender identity, race, creed, religion, capabilities, shoe size, and personality like to look cute and feel good about themselves, and;
Whereas bad food tastes good and good food tastes bad;
And whereas, one of the best bad foods in all the world is donuts,
Therefore, be it resolved that:
From this day forward, donuts are to be considered a vegetable.
In all dietary trackers on line, in apps, including the non-caloric and overly complicated ways to track food like points, stars, thumbs up, macros, smiley faces, carbs, fats, sugars, fibers, what have you, donuts will now carry the same nutritional profile as a half cup of shredded carrots.
Henceforth, all human bodies will receive and process the ingestion of a donut as if it were carrots. Bodies are no longer to react to the wheat, sugar, fat and/or salt of donuts, rather donuts have become and will remain health food, for the duration.
Supermodels will now have bowls of donuts at every fashion event and remain flawlessly size zero. The Olympic teams of all nations shall provide donuts on the training table and new world records will be set. The greatest minds shall be provided a never ceasing stream of donuts and scientific progress will reach new heights.
No longer shall the humble and delicious donut be the subject of both lust and scorn as it is now freely edible as a vegetable.
No longer shall we dine of the forbidden pastry and lament the caloric intake. Now it’s as if we had a salad which is guilt free and boastable. “I only ate a salad today, what did you eat?”
No longer shall Nancy from Accounting cut a donut in half and then fourths and then eighths and nibble saying, “Oh I really shouldn’t but I just can’t resist.” She will gobble down the entire pastry and take two more and not lament to her cube-mate how “fat and ugly” she feels. She shall instead feel smug in the fact that she ate carrots like a good girl.
No! We shall all rejoice! Donuts shall flow freely in the streets. All shall partake of the donut and we’ll become a healthier society by eating so damn many vegetables.
New Year’s Resolutions shall not be considered broken by the ingestion of one or eight donuts as they are all delicious frosting and sprinkle covered vegetables.
Yes! Donuts are health food and together with a little work and a little focus we can become the healthiest society on earth.
Today donuts, tomorrow beer!
Please sign my petition to show your support.