Paddington Goes To The Movies
Over the past three years, I have watched and reviewed 225 movies while traveling close to 1500 miles on my treadmill. Yet, when I applied for media credentials for the upcoming Academy Awards ceremony, I was quickly rejected without cause. I was looking forward to bringing fresh movie-making insights to my loyal readers from the viewpoint of a seasoned treadmill movie reviewer. Unfortunately, it will not happen. The Academy simply would not let it happen. They could not let it happen.
Much has been written in recent years about the Academy’s struggles with diversity in their award selections. They tried to address the issue by expanding the list of nominees, yet they have done nothing to diversity the pool of media covering the event. It is a sad incomprehensible fact that in the year 2023, the Academy has yet to grant media access to a treadmill movie reviewer.
The reasoning is obvious. The Academy wants to shield itself from criticism from healthy movie-goers that the movies they continue to honor are flat out stink bombs. Of the 225 movies I have personally reviewed, only ten have been shamefully awarded the zero-treadmill distinction. Yet two of these movies, The Banshees of Inisherin and Everything, Everywhere All at Once have been astonishingly nominated this year for Best Picture.
I don’t mind giving out spoilers for these two movies as nobody should actually plan to view these cinematic failures. I can quickly summarize the plot of The Banshees of Inisherin. One man tells another man he doesn’t want to be his friend anymore and that he will cut off his own fingers if the other man tries to talk to him again. The other man tries to talk to him again. The man cuts off his fingers. The Academy views this as an incredible movie-making achievement. I can only guess that if the man had also cut off all ten of his toes, that the Academy would have added the film to its list of the greatest movies ever made.
Not to be outdone, Everything, Everywhere All at Once, the only movie to give the beloved treadmill movie reviewer a migraine headache, featured several scenes of two big rocks sitting next to each other in the desert carrying on a conversation through captions. The excitement grew when the rocks started rolling. Featuring characters such as Raccacoonie, Laundromat Policeman and Dominatrix, the movie involving parallel universes is a tour de force of wretchedness.
If the Academy was fixated on recognizing a movie where a man’s finger was severed, a better Best Picture nominee would have been The Menu (3.5) which was a gruesome, creative and entertaining thrill ride of a ten-course meal.
The Academy should have looked towards Nicholas Cage’s The Unbearable Pressure of Immense Talent (3 out of 4 treadmills) for movie making inspiration. It was the first treadmill movie that provided a recommendation for my future treadmill viewing. When Nicholas Cage asks another character (Javi) for a list of his favorite movies, he is surprised that Javi’s favorite non-Nicholas Cage movie of all time is Paddington II since it made him want to become a better man. By the end of the movie, Cage is in agreement and is joyfully seen watching Paddington II with his family.
Paddington II (4 treadmills) is a celebration of life. Inspired by the film, I performed a bit of academic research where I learned that in April 2021, Paddington II was considered by Rotten Tomatoes to be the best movie ever made, narrowly edging out Citizen Kane. The little bear with his marmalade sandwiches, positive attitude and big heart brings joy wherever he goes. He wants to make sure that everybody has a friend. Although I watched the original Paddington (3.0) to understand the back story of his young life in deepest darkest Peru, a viewer pressed for time could skip directly to Paddington II and still quickly pick up the story.
And how many Academy Award nominations did this all-time great film receive? Zilch. Yet the friendly bear continues to resonate throughout the world of film. In Amazon’s People We Hate at the Wedding (3.0), two characters meet on an airplane and bond by watching Paddington. When they break up before their inevitable reunion, one character tearfully says, “We’ll always have Paddington, he’s a good bear.” There is even a Paddington connection to the horrid Banshees of Inisherin. Brendan Gleeson, the actor playing the man who cut off all his fingers is the same actor who portrays Knuckles McGinty in Paddington 2. Knuckles is the feared prison cook who shows his softer side once Paddington introduces him to the wonders of marmalade sandwiches.
I hope Paddington is spared from viewing Banshees and seeing the irony of what fate had in store for Mr. Knuckles McGinty. That would never have happened under Paddington’s watch as a marmalade sandwich would have salvaged the friendship (as well as his knuckles). I was thrilled to read that Paddington in Peru in currently in production and I am eagerly anticipating an incredible treadmill viewing experience. The big question is if the Paddington movie collection will be able to wrestle the best treadmill trilogy award from the life affirming Kissing Booth series.
Paddington’s simple goals of kindness and making friends resonated with several of the recently reviewed treadmill movies. The brilliant I Used to Be Famous (3.75), features autistic actor Leo Long, who forms a unique bond with Vince, a former boy band superstar who is striving to reclaim his fame. When Vince’s plan to capture back his fame in a two-man band with Leo as his drummer stumbles, he apologizes to Leo’s mom for their musical failure. She calmly responds, “All he ever wanted was a friend.”
In Causeway (3.0), Jennifer Lawrence returns home from an Army stint in Afghanistan to recover from a brain injury. She slowly moves through both the physical and mental healing process which culminates with her showing up at James’ house carrying a pack of beer. In the haunting last line of the film, she tells James, “I’m trying to make a friend.”
Through highly unusual circumstances, Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds become best of friends in the spectacular holiday musical Spirited (4.0). With dialogue such as “I think I may have mild to severe Crohn’s disease” and a cameo from Judy Dench, the movie is an instant treadmill classic.
Hoping that Paddington might someday visit America, I decided to embark on a few days of treadmill research so that I could provide him with some recommendations. I watched Nebraska (2.5) and Montana Story (2.5). Both were father-son tales. In Nebraska, a son goes on a road trip with his alcoholic and memory challenged father to claim a supposed lottery windfall in Lincoln, Nebraska. It does provide a chuckle when the son tries to steal back his father’s air compressor from Ed Pegram’s barn. No such chuckling in Montana Story where the son takes revenge by disconnecting his father from a ventilator years after the father had abused his sister. However, my time wasn’t wasted, as the sister was played by Haley Lu Richardson, who went on to star as Portia in The White Lotus. My conclusion. Paddington would be very happy enjoying a marmalade sandwich at a luxurious Sicilian resort. His trip to America’s heartland can wait.
While on his plane ride to Italy, Paddington would love watching Frank and Marge Go Large (3.5) where Bryan Cranston plays a senior citizen who in the spirit of the little bear revives an entire small town both financially and emotionally through his legal mathematical scheme to win the lottery. It is the rare movie where seniors are celebrated for their wisdom and not made the source of jokes about their feebleness. And they nail it when Frank and Marge take a hard look at the ups and downs of their daily lives and conclude, “We have Jeopardy.”
There are many movies that Paddington should avoid while in-flight. Netflix was responsible for three video losers. The Marilyn Monroe biopic Blonde (-1.0) was the first treadmill movie to earn a below zero score. It was deeply depressing without an ounce of entertainment. Kevin Hart’s Me Time (1.0) was a disappointing abomination without a hint of originality. Lindsay Lohan’s Falling for Christmas (2.5) was the best of the loser category. Although the rom-com story was believable (rich engaged heiress skis into a tree and gets amnesia only to be rescued by a kind heartened handsome local widower with a young daughter who teaches her the true meaning of Christmas, love and family), Ms. Lohan could not approach the rom-com skills of Hallmark’s Lacey Chabert who would have been able to raise the movie’s treadmill rating to at least 3.0.
Other movies to avoid would be The Greatest Beer Run (1.0), Don’t Worry Darling (1.0), The One I Love (1.5), Gray Man (2.0), Lucky Logan (2.0) and Look Both Ways (2.0). Movies worth a look if the choices are limited are Deception (2.5), Thoroughbreds (2.5), Dog (2.5), Elvis (2.5) and City by the Sea (2.5).
If Paddington forgets his earphones on the plane, he can still enjoy A Quiet Place (2.5) and A Quiet Place Part II (3.0)
In case the plane ride inspires Paddington to explore a career as a fighter pilot, he could screen a double feature of the original simple and formulaic Top Gun (2.75) with the wildly entertaining Top Gun: Maverick (3.0). The sequel is best described as a Hallmark movie embellished with millions of dollars of special effects. The plot is less realistic than Falling for Christmas and it has the traditional Hallmark corny ending that includes a tearful reconciliation hug (Maverick and Rooster) along with the trademark last frame kiss (Maverick and Penny). While Jennifer Connelly is admirable in the role of Penny Benjamin, it is abundantly clear that Lacey Chabert was born to play Penny and that she would have elevated the treadmill rating to 3.5 and tacked on millions to the box office receipts.
Since I have been denied access to the Academy Award ceremonies, I am planning an alternative trip. I will be going to a place where I will be warmly welcomed by friends. While Hollywood is celebrating the genius of talking rocks and severed fingers, I plan to be sitting high up in a tree in deepest darkest Peru sharing a laugh with Paddington’s long-lost relatives while snacking on a marmalade sandwich.
