Bernie Sanders Reminisces About Honeymoon In Soviet Union

Bernie Sanders recently gave an interview to Time Magazine. Previously unpublished excerpts are printed below.

Q. You would be the first Jewish president, but you don’t talk about that much. What does being Jewish mean to you?

A. It means I don’t like billionaires. What else could it mean?

Q. Venezuela’s economy is collapsing and its people are going hungry under its socialist regime. Do you think that shows anything about socialism?

A. Well let’s be clear, this is a totally phony issue. We could solve hunger very easily if we just let people eat billionaires. Why is a billionaire’s right not to be eaten more important than the people’s right to eat? This is what I mean by a rigged economy!

Q. What is your position on criminal justice reform?

A. Well I’m glad you asked that, it’s a very important issue. The fact is, we have a rigged justice system in America. It’s absolutely unacceptable that in this country, we imprison murderers and rapists, yet so many billionaires are allowed to roam free, just because they haven’t committed any crimes.

Q. Let’s move on to a lighter topic. You’ve been married to your wife Jane for almost 30 years. What’s the secret to a successful marriage?

A. One word: romance. For example, on our honeymoon, I took Jane to Russia, back when it was still known as the Soviet Union. Russia was an incredible place back then, before the billionaires ruined everything. Who needs 30 different types of deodorant anyway? In the glory days of the Soviet Union, there was one brand, it was called “Deodorant,” and you had to wait four hours in line for it. By the time you got your hands on one, you were sweating so badly, not even the greediest billionaire’s fanciest deodorant could mask the stench. Or as I call it: The sweet smell of equality!

Q. You’ve been accused of being anti-business. What’s your response?

A. I only oppose those industries and companies that are destroying the soul of America. Like Wall Street. And drug companies. And defense companies. And the fossil fuel industry. And the oil companies. And GE. And the insurance industry. And Walmart. And the fast-food industry. And the corporate media. And deodorant companies. And —

Q. The gun makers?

A. No, they’re great.

Q. The man who shot a Republican congressman was a supporter of yours. Do you believe you bear any responsibility for the shooting?

A. Not at all. I’ve always tried to spread peace and love. Especially the love of hating billionaires.

Q. Do you plan to run for president again?

A. It will depend on whether I think I can devote myself to it sufficiently. I believe a successful campaign should be run the same way we should tax the rich: at 110%.

Q. Just one more question, Bernie …

A. Sorry I need to run. Jane and I have a special anniversary coming up. We’re planning a romantic getaway to Venezuela.

Q. Venezuela?

A. That’s right. I hear the bread lines are to die for.

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