Best Places to Cry in your Car
Having a sobbing mental breakdown in your car can be a cathartic experience. However, not all parking lots are created equal for such an event. The next time you’re driving down the street and your eyes start to blur with tears, make sure you park somewhere that makes your breakdown look chique and mysterious, not strange and sad.
The biggest mistake you can make when you’re bawling your eyes out in your car is to pull over on the side of the road. People will drive by you and start to ask questions. Are you crying because you couldn’t handle the stressful pressures of driving? Did your car break down? When a good samaritan calls Triple A because they think you can’t change a tire, you’ll feel awkward explaining to the mechanic that you’re actually just crying because of what your boss said when he fired you that morning, and no roadside assistance is necessary.
You should always park in a location where nobody you know will expect to see you, like your weird ex’s house, a high-end mall, or apparently, the parking lot of your workplace. You also need a parking lot with a lot of cars. Highway rest stops allow overnight parking, and the space is large enough that you can park far away from other people. Plus, the truckers who sleep there are always willing to lend an ear to your problems. Take full advantage.
If there’s a risk that an acquaintance might pass your car mid-breakdown, try and appear fashionable to salvage your image. Keep a pair of specially designated crying sunglasses in your car. Combined with a large floppy hat, you can trick people into thinking that you’re a wealthy widow crying tears of joy because the man you married for money finally died. You should also sip a glass of red wine in your car when the tears start. It’s impossible to drink and cry at the same time, so anyone walking by will just think you have an alcohol problem, not that you’re crying.
If you’re serious about maintaining anonymity during your breakdown, you can use your unemployment money to rent a car that nobody will recognize. If you have the funds, you can rent a house so you can cry in a private driveway. Keep in mind that it is legal to park across the street from your boss’ house if that will make you feel better during your crying session. Just make sure you duck fast enough when he walks by.
Finally, you can always stay in the parking lot of a company you admire and tape a few copies of your resume to your dashboard. Maybe you’ll get lucky and someone will take pity on you. If not, you can use them as extra tissues. In this job market, that’s called being resourceful.
