Best Practices for a Safe 2021 Halloween Party in the Midwest
It’s been a long 18 months, and we here in the Midwest are ready get back to what we never actually stopped doing in the first place: partying with large groups in small homes. Bring your best hot dish and stop by the Meijer for a case of generic light beer because we’re going ALL OUT this year. The pandemic is clearly over (if it ever actually started, am I right?) because the only masks we see now are on tiny superheroes and the 30% of us still in the ICU. But Midwesterners are nothing if not superficially nice, so let’s ensure everyone’s safety with these helpful tips.
Food and Beverage
No Midwestern party is complete without a traditional spread of dips, casseroles, and pop. But to be just a little extra cautious this year, wash up with the dish detergent before passing around blondies with your bare hands. Make sure to regularly strain the tortilla chip corners from the communal crock-pot of liquid Velveeta. And finally, consider tripling the amount of ratgut vodka in the generic Jell-o shots. Remember, alcohol kills more than just your creepy uncle!
Activities
Fall party activities in the Midwest are the best! But to be safe, put out your Camels before bobbing for apples — no ash in the apple water, please! Be sure to wipe your beer pong balls off (yes, every time, Tanya!) and clean up any spills before Terry slips in Natty Light, again. And for the little ones, be sure to check their candy bags for unsafe treats! We’ve all read about that on Facebook and are certain lots of people are willing to spend hundreds of dollars giving out edibles trying to get our babies addicted to the Devil’s lettuce. As such, Terry has graciously offered to taste test every bag. Thanks for keeping the kids safe, hoser!
Costumes
This year, take a few extra precautions with your Halloween costume. Buy it from the Clean Goodwill or the fancy Salvation Army out on Five Mile — you know, the one Sandy works at part time, now that her divorce is final? No yeah, she’s OK. If you’re heading to the VFW party, she can set you up with some used scrubs, minimally stained cutoff overalls, or even an inflatable Red Wings jersey with only a few holes in it. Just be sure to at least wipe stuff down with a damp paper towel before you head to Menard’s for your candy and a new air compressor. But if you’re going as a sexy cop, witch or crossing guard, go see Cherlyn at Tyrilla’s House of Smut out on County Line Road. She sells essential oils on the side and “disinfects” the store with them all the time — you can smell them from the parking lot if you still have that ability! Safety first!
Masking
Here in the Midwest, we’re wearing masks exactly as God intended — once a year and half drunk or not at all. But let’s be safe about it! Be sure your mask has enough airflow — you don’t want to pass out in it and stop breathing. Myrtle from the ladies’ group at First Pres can crochet you one to match any costume and she only charges a $5 donation towards building the new Family Life Center. She’s still on the oxygen so she’s not even smoking that much anymore. Praise the Lord!
Social Distancing
Us Midwesterners are known for our special brand of hometown hospitality. Did you know that after at least 20 seconds, a hug has physical healing properties? We did! So, make sure each hug this year is a long one. Really spread the love around! Otherwise, remember to give Frank a “ lemme just scooch by ya” when you pass by on the way to the cornhole. Ope!
Vaccine Requirements
Not applicable.
And remember, it’s fall in the Midwest! A gorgeous, albeit very short season between Final Summer and the Winter of our Slight Inconvenience. Party like it may be your last!
