Biden Inaugaration Relocated
Drumpf campaign booked mall for Jan. 20
The Biden inaugural team announced Friday that his inauguration has been postponed until a new inaugural site is confirmed. When team leader Tony Allen contacted the Joint Congressional Inauguration Committee to confirm details they were told the Washington Mall had already been booked for January 20.
“Drumpf booked the Mall to kick-off his 2024 campaign,” Committee spokesperson Mag A. Allwhite told reporters. “In the past this committee has taken the Mall’s availability for granted, but the President is first in line for bookings, and Drumpf, not Biden is the President. Many would say the duly elected President if you discount the votes that should never have been counted, like all those illegal immigrants in Wayne County, Michigan.”
B.G. Kizzazz, assistant to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, told reporters, “Trust me, if given the choice between watching the greatest speaker in the history of speakers announce he’ll run for a third term, and JAFI[1] they’ll pick the kickoff. Everyone knows Sleepy Joe is just holding the seat until Drumpf can take the reins again anyway. Who knows? If SCOTUS gets off their asses and affirms who really won, we won’t need either event.”
“In the past this committee has taken the Mall’s availability for granted, but the President is first in line for bookings, and Drumpf, not Biden is the President. Many would say the duly elected President if you discount the votes that should never have been counted.”
When Allen informed the Joint Committee the Biden team would appeal, they were informed the appeal would be moot. In a fiat accompli, Drumpf’s campaign team launched preliminary construction Friday morning, having raised the first five sections of bleachers by the end of the working day.
“No one will forget this campaign kickoff,” Kizzazz told reporters, ignoring the fact that he is legally forbidden from campaign activities for an elected President, much less one who was voted out of office. “Not only have we booked an all star lineup of Kid Rock, Willie Robertson, Kirstie Alley and John Voight, we raised Charlton Heston from the dead, and we will be giving away free Pfizer vaccines to anyone who contributes $500 or more.”
Asked to explain how the Drumpf campaign has access to an unapproved vaccine in limited supply, Kizzazz confessed, “When the administration turned down Pfizer’s offer of a million extra doses, the campaign locked those puppies in. We intended to give them away at rallies in October, but the FDA conspired with Biden to sit on their hands. Better late than never.”
“When the administration turned down Pfizer’s offer of a million extra doses, the Drumpf campaign locked those puppies in.”
The White House confirmed that medical teams are already rehearsing vaccinations at temporary stations on the mall. They also confirmed they are campaign kickoff with unused COVID relief funds authorized by Congress. Kizzazz explained that distribution of the vaccine at the event umbrellas the entire campaign kickoff, allowing them to spend up to a billion dollars.
The Biden team had considered booking the Super Bowl half-time show for the inauguration, only to learn the Drumpf campaign booked that venue in advance too. Asked for possible Plan Cs and Ds, they told reporters that they’ve narrowed options down to the Delaware Stadium in Newark or Austin, Texas’ Armadillo World Headquarters. When informed that the Armadillo was closed decades before, Allen said, “That’s too bad. President-elect Biden said he went to a Hendrix concert there in the summer of 1970 and the contact high was the best and only one he ever had.”
[1]: The Haven learned that JAFI is the Drumpf White House’s acronym for Just Another Fucking Inauguration.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
