Bone appetit
Bone-Afied Old Lady Problems
Navigating your checkup when you weigh less than a grenade launcher
In one fell swoop, my new VA primary care doctor undid years of rebuilding my self esteem after being rejected by the Army Rangers — he wanted to do a DEXA scan ten years before my time. Did it matter that I weighed 105 lbs if I could still carry a grenade launcher? I run, I lift weights, I use Retin A and yet still give off an osteoporosis vibe. He reminded me that my post menopausal status, family history, and diminutive size warranted earlier screening. Maybe next time, I won’t wear the Hello Kitty sweatshirt I got on sale at Gymboree. Will my low BMI disqualify me from life insurance too? Heads up Ariana Grande, body shaming is on the table when you are small — I give it 10 years until they are hauling you off for a DEXA.
I was apoplectic when he called me with the results of the scan: I had osteopenia. I’d had three prior fractures but they occurred simultaneously when I was rudely thrown into an arena wall by an ill-tempered gelding. I had never fractured from stepping off a curb — Chris Hemsworth would have broken his pelvis too. I have also fractured my wrist face planting while trying to bound up some stairs. The only actual bounding that happened that day was with gauze before they applied the cast in the ER.
I decided to get serious about my bone density, because I did not want to collapse into a shapeless blob that my husband had to cart around in a wheelbarrow. How would he maneuver me and a shopping cart at Costco? He couldn’t. I’d probably end up smothered by a 50 lb bag of Scoop Away kitty litter.
Doc advised me to optimize my Vitamin D and calcium. My vitamin D level was solid because I live in a sunny climate and I am extra Caucasian with no pesky melanin to get in the way of those sunbeams. Increasing my calcium intake would prove to be trickier. Wanting to get my calcium from real food, as I knew this was safer than Tums, (We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to warn any physicians reading this — the next phrase may be triggering. ) I did my research.
I learned that a tin of sardines contains 325 mg of calcium. Four tins could get me to my recommended 1200 mg. But I worried the monotony of sardines would soften my resolution even if they were packed in extra virgin olive oil with Mediterranean seasoning.
Googling high calcium foods I came up with the ingredients for my osteoporosis smoothie — sardines, collard greens, orange juice, Greek yogurt and one powerful Vitamix. I would set up a “Bone-afied” food truck at the local Kindred nursing home. A few AARP magazine ads and I’d be partnering with Jamba Juice.
Venture capital for the osteoporosis smoothie never materialized. Nor did my stomach for it. Perhaps taking a couple of Tums is not so bad, and at least I would not need to worry about heavy metal poisoning, and whether my smoothie was contaminated with Round Up. Just in case, I am working on a lymphoma prevention smoothie — Kale, salmon, chia seeds, green tea, lentils, and dark chocolate. Maybe I will throw in some Yuzu to pull in the foodie crowd.
Sadly, Doc reminded me I cannot include vodka in my smoothie because alcohol is a known carcinogen and also, mind blown, decreases bone density. This explains so much. But, I have an ace up my sleeve that will make everyone love it and want to drink more: cannabis. Maybe cannabis increases bone density — it seems to do everything else. Just stay away from my osteoporosis smoothies if you are one of those grenade launching Army Rangers — lest you hold me responsible for your failed drug test.
