Book Endings If They Were About Donald Trump
The Stranger, Albert Camus
Donald never pleads guilty to murder. His lawyer steals a notebook from a member of the jury to blackmail him into hanging their decision, while Donald calls the judge “crooked” and inquires about his ethnicity. He answers the prosecutor’s questions about his lack of emotion during his mother’s recent funeral by insisting she lived a big, beautiful, tremendous life, but it was her time to go. He then asks to go so he can bury his mother on his property so he can start getting the tax benefits.
A Farewell To Arms, Ernest Hemingway
The nurse dies, and Donald is okay with it because she was older, and kind of turning into a dog. He likes women who don’t die in childbirth. Also, when she bled from her wherever, she could be a real nasty woman. She was a Red Cross nurse, and Donald tries to empathize with why she’d sacrifice her time and safety, but can’t. Donald goes back to America and tells everyone that not getting an STD was his WW1.
The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
It turns out Trumpsby was only pretending to be rich, and a bank forecloses on his mansion. It’s revealed Trumpsby was lying about Daisy ever dating him, and he was only trying to seduce her to get revenge on Tom Buchanan, who once insulted him at a party by mocking his small hands. As Trumpsby dies, having never gotten with Daisy, he calls her a “6” with his last breath.
Herzog, Saul Bellow
Trump wanders New York City with a gun determined to take back his daughter Ivanka from his ex-wife by any means necessary. He rants and raves, endlessly writing tweets to no one in which he attacks and blames others for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He is trying to write a sequel to The Art of the Deal, but it’s going nowhere without a ghostwriter. His only aims in life are to fix up a dilapidated Trump Tower, and stalk Melania, who cuckolded him before their divorce, and now has taken out a restraining order against him. He writes more tweets to no one.
Sophie’s Choice, William Styron
Recounting to a novelist his Holocaust experiences, Trump reveals that the Nazis tried to make him pick between Don Jr. and Eric, but he called them “losers” and suggested the Nazis just send both to the showers. Then Trump explains he has no regrets, and would give himself an A+ for parenting.A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
Ebenezer Trump learns no lessons from the three ghosts, and calls their moral lessons “fake news.” While witnessing the Cratchit family’s merriment despite their poverty, Trump tells the Ghost of Christmas Present that it’s embarrassing for the company how his clerk Bob is so low-class, and says that, if he were Bob, he’d have pushed Tiny Tim in front of a carriage a long time ago. When he wakes up on Christmas morning, Trump fires Bob, refuses to give him his last paycheck, and threatens to sue him for £5 billion if he ever violates the terms of his nondisclosure agreement.
Lord of the Flies, William Golding
Donald calls Ralph’s election as leader “rigged,” and organizes a coup. This fails, so he starts a new tribe on the other side of the island with a handful of lackeys promising he has the “best ideas for finding food.” He doesn’t, and as they get hungry he scapegoats the other boys one at a time until they kill each other. After a few days the tribe has dwindled to just him and his number two boy Roger, and Donald claims they haven’t found any food because Ralph’s tribe is hogging it all. Donald decides to do a raid, but, when they arrive, they find a navy ship officer rescuing Ralph and the other boys. Donald takes credit for signaling the ship, and, when asked where the missing boys are, he says he’ll explain what happened “in two weeks.”
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
Trumpert Trumpert absconds scandalously with his step-daughter Ivankita on a road trip across the country, and, after she runs away from him and gets older, he pays her off with monthly hush money payments, lies about everything for decades, and gets elected POTUS to avoid indictment and appoint enough Supreme Court justices to decide presidents have immunity.
For Whom The Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
Donald sells out the Republican government because he’s impressed by Francisco Franco’s strength.
Into The Wild, Jon Krakauer
Donald goes bankrupt and loses all his properties. His family and friends shun him because proximity to his money and power was what let them ignore how few redeeming character traits he has. Donald steals Eric’s car, and drives it from Mar-a-Lago to Alaska eating McDonalds fast food paid for with a credit card he took out in Barron’s name. He decides the world is rigged against him so he’ll live off the land, and assures himself no one knows more about wilderness survival than him. He finds orange berries, and, after first smearing them all over his face to look healthy and tan, he eats them. They are poisonous, and he shits himself for a few days until he dies of dehydration.
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