BREAKING: FACEBOOK ANNOUNCES IT CAN TRACK USERS’ MENSTRUAL CYCLES
Facebook can now use its data to accurately predict female users’ menstrual cycles, the company has bragged.
According to Facebook, the new algorithm is ‘fucking cool’ and was developed following a secret, two-year study of more than 1000 women’s Facebook accounts, Google tracking data, UberEats orders and Netflix histories.
‘We started noticing a monthly spike in certain female user behaviours, but we’re all guys so we didn’t really get it,’ Facebook’s VP for Human Exploitation chuckled to reporters.
‘It was when we saw noticed a spike in the use of the crying and gun emojis corresponded with users staying at home, watching Hugh Grant films and ordering burritos, that we realised those chicks were on their rags.’
Following the study, Facebook developed a list of online behaviours they will track and measure to make cycle predictions.
The controversial list, titled ‘WATCH OUT! Is this bitch bleedin’?’, includes behaviours such as: ‘Uses all-caps statuses to complain about the poor service at her favourite brunch place’ to indicate the ‘PMS phase’ and ‘Messages ex-partner: “u up?”’ to indicate ovulation.
Company executives have reportedly been jumping up and down and clapping their hands with glee, thinking about all the ways they can use this information to line their pockets.
‘Every day, we’re learning more and more about the crazy shit that happens to a woman’s body during her cycle,’ said one Facebook developer, heavily breathing as he tracked a female user’s movements on her holiday in Costa Rica.
‘It’s incredible — there are so many ways we can exploit female hormonal imbalances to make money.’
While the company has declined to outline exactly how they’ll use the data, fearing women users will ‘be onto us’, women’s rights activists have begun vocally opposing what they believe will be ‘a systematic attack on vulnerable, grumpy users’.
‘Yeah, we’re fucked,’ sighed Women Are Still Marginalised, Please Believe Us Alliance spokesperson, Roxane Greer.
‘It’s already hard enough avoiding buying creature comforts to fill the deep, emotional void that grows as your uterus sheds.
‘Now, when you’re lying in bed stalking your ex-boyfriend’s wedding photos, clutching a hot water bottle and praying the pain will stop, you’re going to be bombarded with ads offering fifty-per-cent-off ice-cream on UberEats.
It will be impossible to resist.’
The revelation comes only a few weeks after the social media giant got super upset someone leaked documents suggesting the company can identify when teenagers feel ‘worthless’.
‘We were mainly pissed-off the leak was incorrect — we wanted to get credit for achieving something momentous,’ a tech-bro representative for the company boasted.
‘Predicting when teenagers are emotionally vulnerable is easy — they’re always emotionally vulnerable. Tracking menstrual cycles is how we win the Nobel.’