Breaking News: This Dick Won’t Touch Itself

MOSCOW, ID On the eve of August 10th, tragedy struck the community of University of Idaho. Tucker Anderson sent out red sparks to his Facebook alerting his friends, family, colleagues, and loose acquaintances, that, “this dick won’t touch itself.” After checking Facebook fifty-seven times, Tucker admitted that the Greek community of “dirty ‘scow” was probably in an inebriated sleep during the crisis. Yet, Tucker persisted and “being the resourceful mofo that he is” Tucker expanded his maximum distance on Tinder to 100 miles. At 2:14 AM, Tucker exhausted all of the “good puss” on Tinder and sought out his junior high girlfriend via Snapchat. According to data analysis of Tucker’s Snapchat, the regulars of Tucker’s floor mattress had allegedly blocked him. At press time, Tucker finally scored a message back from “some lit poon” via LinkedIn.