Brexit. We All Know That Was The Answer. However, What Is The Question?
Mein damen und Herren!
(That’s fancy European speak for Alright People!)
I’m here to tell you about an exciting new concept in concepts. It brings together folks who don’t agree at all, in the hope that we can have a calm discussion and end up not hating the shit out of each other so much.
The individuals here will supposedly represent a huge chunk of the general public, but will in fact represent a small vocal fanatical minority.
1st Person: Fanatical minority? A bit judgemental?
Me: Well we all now know which side you’re on innit.
Anyway, this week’s topic is, Brexit.
“Brexit was the withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union at 23:00 GMT on 31 January 2020.” — Wikipedia
So, on with the show….
Me: First, introductions. On the left…
Unnamed Person 1: How do you know I’m Left?
Me: Well, you’re on my lef…ne’ermind. I imagine there’s no point in talking about red and blue corners?
Unnamed Person 1: Not Red. Although, I could be, in theory.
Me: Fine. What shall we call you?
Unnamed Person 1: Leave.
Me: OK. You on the right….
Unnamed Person 2: On the right? No way! I’m OK with being in a red corner and with being on the Left.
Me: The whole colour and corner thing was a non starter. However, you sure you’re all Left? Totally Left?
Unnamed Person 2: Yes. You can call me Remain.
Me: First up. If the answer is Brexit, what is the Question?
Leave: What is the thing that will allow the UK to fulfil its full potential?
Remain: What is to blame for everything?
Me: Want to narrow that down a wee bit?
Remain: What is to blame for absolutely everything?
Me: Oh..kay… Moving on….
Remain: You can’t travel abroad anymore.
Me: You could say it’s harder to travel abroad now.
Remain: Same thing.
Me: ….Moving on….
A House of Commons Committee report called ‘EU Exit: UK Border post transition,’ published February 9th 2021 stated, “The transition period ended on 31 December 2020. Since that date, trade volumes have been suppressed by the impact of COVID-19, EU exit, and wider global pressures. It may not be possible to separate out the impact of these individual elements on the UK’s trade with the EU, but it is clear that EU exit has had an impact, and that new border arrangements have added costs to business.”
Me: How would you tackle these issues right now?
Leave: The first thing I would do is point out that the problems are not caused by Brexit.
Me: They’re not all caused by Brexit….
Leave: Thank-you.
Me: However, Brexit is a factor.
Leave: It is not. COVID-19 and wider global pressures are the sole causes.
Me: And Brexit.
Leave: No.
Me: Evidence from the House of Commons Committee says otherwise.
Leave: There’s an ‘E’ and a ‘U’ in evidence. Speaks volumes.
Me: There’s an ‘E’ and a ‘U’ in evidunce. So, Remain, how would you tackle these issues right now?
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: OK. Returning to the question, how would you tackle these issues right now?
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: To be fair, you’re not answering the question.
Remain: I am. We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: The fact is, we have left the EU. Right here, right now, what would you do to tackle these issues?
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU. If we hadn’t left the EU we wouldn’t be having these problems. We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: Lets try this one more time. What measures do you think that the government could introduce, right now, to tackle these issues?
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: OK. Let’s move on…
From the BBC: “The Northern Ireland Protocol….
Remain: They never talk about the negatives of Brexit on the BBC.
Me: How do you know?
Remain: I saw a bloke on the BBC talking about it.
Me: Right, where was I….?
Leave: The opposite is actually true. The BBC only ever talks about the negatives of Brexit. ….Not that there are any.
Me: How do you know the BBC only ever talks about negatives ?
Remain: I saw a woman on the… on a news channel, er, discussing it.
Me: So, where was I….?
From the BBC: “The Northern Ireland Protocol is a trading arrangement, negotiated during Brexit talks. It allows goods to be transported across the Irish land border without the need for checks. The Northern Ireland Protocol has been a source of tension since it came into force at the start of 2021.”
Me: How would you resolve these tensions?
[silence]
Me: Anyone? Leave? Remain?
Leave: Er….
Remain: Um….
Me: Anything? Any suggestions Leave? Any ideas Remain?
[silence]
Me: OK. Let’s move on…
Remain: Wait! Wait! I know…. We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: Thanks for that. Actually, I have to point out that we have left the EU….
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: OK. So, perhaps you need to engage with reality?
Remain: I am engaged with reality. We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: You sound like someone who’s split up with their ex but is obsessed with how you shouldnt’ve split up.
Remain: Hay, I didn’t want to leave. I was forced to leave against my will.
Me: Yeah, but you’ve left, so….
Remain: We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: OK. Let’s move on…
Remain: Back into the EU. We shouldn’t have left the EU.
Me: Right. Some general stuff. Issues and problems…. At the border….
Remain: Brexit!
Me: I’ve not finished the question.
Remain: No need. The problem is obviously caused by Brexit.
Me: OK…. Recently the financial markets have….
Remain: Brexit!
Me: The cost of liv…
Remain: Brexit!
Me: The war in….
Remain: Brexit!
Me: We need to move on….
Remain: Look, we need to address the elephant in the room….
Me: I’m not that fat, am I….?
Remain: Those who voted Leave were ignorant, stupid, uneducated racists….
Me: What? Even the ones that weren’t White?
Remain: They’re the worst! They should’ve known better! Black and Brown ignorant, stupid, uneducated puppets manipulated and exploited by racist racists who spouted racist racisms….
Me: Wait. Are you foaming at the mouth?
Remain [wipes mouth]: No.
Leave: This is the problem. Them lot spout the same old rubbish. We knew what the vote was about. I could talk about the EU for days.
Me: Why would you want to? That’s a bit like obsessing over what your ex is doing when you’re in a new relationship.
Leave: I need to make it clear that I left them. They didn’t leave me. In fact they begged me to stay.
Me: Still sounds slightly unhealthy.
Leave: No it’s not. It’s perfectly healthy to track EU activities to point out how shit the EU is. Fat pig unelected politicians…
Me: Unelected?
Leave: Unelected politicians with their disgusting snouts buried in troughs full of Euros. They make me sick. All of them. MEPs, Bureaucrats, Commissioners, Bankers, Judges….
Me: Wait. Are you foaming at the mouth?
Leave [wipes mouth]: No.
Remain: He’s making fun of you.
Leave: He’s making fun of you.
Me: Finally, something we can agree on.
