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Brutally Honest Job Posting
NOW HIRING!
Time Suckers, located in two-hours-drive-away-every-goddamned-day, is seeking experienced disassociates to round out our sales team.
About you:
The right candidates will be isolated, overqualified husks worn down by seeking purpose in an impenetrable maze of compulsive consumption and passive-aggressive personal comparison, ready to join our team of dead-eyed primates too self-defeated to cry out. Positions start at 0.25 bloodstained constructs per hour. Room to grow!
About us:
Time Suckers is a legal entity supposedly equivalent, but actually treated as far superior to, well, you. Through almost 30 years in business, we’ve built our reputation on selling soon-to-be obsolete synthetic products that clutter customers’ lives with superficial solutions to the waste issues our earlier releases left in their wake. We set the industry standard for manipulating public opinion to believe we really care about creating positive impacts on people’s lives. Rather than rest on our laurels though, we carry this legacy into the future, by lobbying legislators so we never have to assume responsibility for the catastrophic long-term consequences of our actions.
In everything we do, we draw upon the time-honored traditions of those who inspired us. We build upon a rich foundation of predatory rhetoric (or, as we like to call it, PredoricTM) to extract artifacts from their ecological context and convert them into isolated commodities that anesthetize our target audiences from all walks of life, but especially the less fortunate whose cultures we’ve strip-mined for parts. It’s just our way of ensuring we not only exploit one another, but every other part of the only living planet that will ever support our astronomically unlikely existence. And to show we care about our environmental impacts, we pretend to offset them by donating one half of a quarter of a percent of ALL proceeds to our in-house charity, Time to Blow.
About the position:
All positions come with fair labor guarantees, which you’ll have no way of holding us to during the daily stampedes our understaffing and overmarketing ensure. We pride ourselves on bolting you down in one position until your feet go numb, your nasal passages calcify shut…
