Calm Down and Other Things You Should Definitely Say to Your Wife or Girlfriend

Bad relationship advice from your local love anarchist

Christopher Kokoski
Jan 11 · 4 min read
Mad woman in glasses for my article, Calm Down and Other Things You Should Definitely Say to Your Wife or Girlfriend
Mad woman in glasses for my article, Calm Down and Other Things You Should Definitely Say to Your Wife or Girlfriend
Image by author via Canva

Take it from me, the love anarchist, there are certain things you should definitely say to your wife or girlfriend.

Nothing bad will happen. Promise. 😉

You remind me of my mom

Your lucky lady will love to be compared to the matriarch who shot you out of her birth canal.

After all, science says that you probably married your mom anyway.

What higher compliment can a woman possibly receive? I can’t think of any. Women just love it when you compare their style, attitude, or cooking to your mother.

They have a special place inside reserved for those comparisons (Murder. That place is called murder).

You can double the fun by referring to her as Mommy. Oh yeah, women love that.

Here, let a man do it

If there’s one thing a woman loves, it’s sweeping generalizations about your superiority based on your private parts.

When you tell her like it is, she’ll swoon and never love you more.

All she’s ever really ever wanted is a big strapping man like you to take over and to do all those hard things that are just, ugh, like so impossible with her weak little girl body.

I mean, it’s not like science proves that women have a higher pain tolerance. Or that woman literally make life or anything.

There certainly isn’t any evidence that women are actually stronger than men.

Pfft. Yeah, like science will ever prove that.

You must be on your period

Oh, silly women. They sometimes forget about their monthly visitor. Good thing she has you to remind her every time she seems even slightly upset with anything.

Here is a cheat sheet (you’re welcome!):

  • She’s grumpy when she first wakes up? Must be her period!
  • She’s mad that you left dirty dishes for her to do? It’s not your fault, it’s her monthly monster for sure!
  • Does she gripe at you after falling into the toilet for the
    tenth time this month? Totally her period!

If you don’t tell her, how else will she know she’s physically bleeding? She’s sure to smile and thank you with a kiss.

Calm Down

Whenever a woman is really upset with you, the best thing that you could say at that moment is, calm down.

She probably just hasn’t thought about that very obvious solution.

If it doesn’t work the first time, just keep repeating it. I promise you at about the 20th time something amazing will happen.

(Murder. It’s murder again.)

That’s a woman’s job

Nothing will turn your woman on like dogmatically insisting on archaic gender roles. Somebody get her a fan—it’s getting HOT in here. 🔥

This is best said while handing her a mop or vacuum.

This video shows you the way…

Watch what happens when this guy buys his wife a vacuum

You can triple her enjoyment by topping it off with a nice, friendly wink.

You’re crazy

Your woman is sure to squeal with glee when you psychoanalyze her like a therapist. The less proof and actual legitimate credentials you have, the better.

Just throw around labels that you heard in Psychology 101. Or Buzzfeed. It doesn’t really matter.

The key with this one is to make direct eye contact in person and state the judgment as an irrefutable fact. She shouldn’t have to bother thinking for herself when she has you.

Watch the “joy” come over her in real-time! There will definitely be a change behind her eyes. She’s definitely not thinking about murdering you in the most psycho way possible.

I mean, you are saving her all that money from having to pay a shrink. Look at you! Such a giver!

My ex…

If there’s one person your girl likes to be compared to more than your mom, it’s the last woman that you slapped ham with—your ex.

Here are a few phrases to get you started toward that coveted boo bliss:

  • “My ex used to…”
  • “My ex never…”
  • “My ex did it like…”

She will be so excited that you are finally communicating how you really feel. That’s all women really want.

Boyfriend level: Mastery.

Final thoughts

Quick disclaimer: The author is not responsible for anything that happens to you, literally or metaphorically, by following the advice in this article.

I sometimes write funny things but I don’t mean anything by it. Women are amazing. Men are amazing.

But, mostly, tacos are amazing.

Thank you for reading!

P.S. — I highly recommend that you check out the cited sources/underlined words in his article. None of them are affiliate links. But they do contain a few fun surprises. Enjoy!

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Christopher Kokoski

Written by

Endlessly curious| proud word nerd| Join my newsletter at http://bit.ly/2lIPYI7 or find me at www.WritingBeginner.com

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Christopher Kokoski

Written by

Endlessly curious| proud word nerd| Join my newsletter at http://bit.ly/2lIPYI7 or find me at www.WritingBeginner.com

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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