Camping: Combine the Joy of Hiking with Sleeping Outside like a Homeless Person
Camping is garbage.
I could stop there, but I figure I’ll drop some knowledge on ya.
Have you ever been on a long, arduous hike? A hike that you have to wake up in the ungodly hours of the morning that only annoyingly successful entrepreneurs claim to get up every day so they can “get stuff done.” You drive to the mountain battling winding roads specifically designed to give you nausea. You put on the boots that you got like 5 years ago and only bust out once every Fall, and you begin a 4 to 8-hour hike.
After making your way to the summit and back, you’re covered in dust and sweat. It wasn’t easy. You severely miscalculated your water supply and had to drink some creek water with an iodine tablet in it that makes it taste like the swamp water from the Pirates of the Carribean ride. Was that itchy scratch you got on your leg poison ivy? Who knows? Seemingly everything and nothing is poison ivy out in the wilderness.
Nevertheless, you’ve defeated the mountain. Went toe to toe and walked out the victor. Or in the immortal words of legendary mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary, “You made the mountain your bitch.” I might be paraphrasing, but you get the idea. You won. Bask in the glory of knowing you communed with the outdoors and got some great exercise in the process. Now for your reward, would you like a warm shower and a nice evening on the sofa to unwind?
No! You’ve elected to sleep outside like a homeless person in a tent. You could have stayed at a lodge or an Airbnb nearby, but nooooooo, that’d be glamping and you’re too proud. Well congratulations, you’ve won sleeping on rocks while you realize you forgot to bring a pillow so try to make your stinky, filthy sweater work instead.
It’s cold out. Like really fucking cold! Good thing your sleeping bag is super warm. Oh no, it’s too warm. Turns out your sleeping bag is rated for the freezing vacuum of space, not a blustery Autumn night in Southern California. So like a reverse Hot Pocket, you take turns getting volcanically hot on the inside, unzipping, and having your sweat-drenched limbs on the outside turn to whatever phase of matter is colder than a solid.
Psssst. Pssssst. Hey, you fell asleep…. somehow. But now you need to pee in the middle of the night. Have fun getting out of your “two-person” tent that really only fits one person without waking up your camping buddy. Oh no, you have to put on your shoes in the dark while trying not to get the dirt on everything inside. Good luck. Oh also, there’s potentially bears and skunks and you’re going to freeze your junk off while you pee next to another group’s tent.
And it’s morning. Time to wake up at 5:25 am and head back to the car and back to civilization. It’s almost as if you could have skipped living outside for a day to “reconnect with nature” and just slept in a bed like a normal person, you fucking maniac.
