Can We Finally Admit We Only Say “Bless You” After A Sneeze For The Attention?

For centuries, people have been saying ‘bless you’ or even ‘gesundheit’ after someone sneezes.

In the sixth century, people said it because of the bubonic plague epidemic, and they wanted to bless the sneezer before they dropped dead. Even earlier than that, people said ‘God bless you’ because they believed the sneezer was expelling a demon through their mouth and nose.

But this is the year 2017. We know better. A sneeze doesn’t mean you’re dying. A sneeze doesn’t mean you’re banishing the devil. Even if you are religious, you’re not a 17th century monk, why are you still walking around saying ‘bless you, my child’?

You’re doing it for some goddamn attention.

We are living in the age of smart phones and head phones—if you want to ignore someone sneezing, you can. If you’re on a crowded subway, and someone sneezes, and you call out ‘God bless you!’ it’s a choice, and you’re starved for attention.

Think about it — It’s the easiest way to feel good about yourself by doing something nice for someone else, without having to do anything annoying like protest, or donate money. After you say it, everyone nearby looks at you, and you can tell they’re thinking, ‘Wow, there’s someone who gives a shit about others’.

Plus, it forces the sneezer to say ‘thank you’ to you for being so concerned and thoughtful and basically their goddamned Guardian angel. This is equally satisfying to your god complex, whether you’re blessing a stranger or your asshole little sister.

So next time someone sneezes, feel free to say, ‘God bless you’—just know in your heart that it’s a cry for help.