Canada: Your Ultimate Getaway! by Hillary Clinton

Greetings to the 65.8 million Americans who voted for me!

Planning an unforgettable vacation in Canada is easier than ever, thanks to the soon-to-be launched Pantsuit Highway, a network of tunnels that will whisk you away to our neighbor up north in no time at all. RUN.

Many people have wondered, “Gee, what’s Hillary Clinton up to these days?” and here is your answer. I’ve been biding my time in the pleasant, leafy hamlet of Chappaqua, New York. There I’ve been taking to the forest each day, cloaking myself in elaborate woodland camouflage, carefully constructing the infrastructure for Pantsuit Highway. IT’S GO TIME. Also hiking! I love to hike.

What is Pantsuit Highway? I’m glad you asked.

Pantsuit Highway is a system of underground, mole-like passages that I’ve carved over the past several months using a spoon and a tiny rock hammer. This establishes a quick, efficient getaway from the American northeast to simple (but comfortable) base camps that have been hastily erected throughout eastern Canada. THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG. If you’ve ever said, “I’m with her!” — well, here’s your chance. Come with me and sample what the great nation of Canada has to offer.

Some of the things you might enjoy in Canada include skiing, snowboarding, rebuilding the foundation of our democracy, and hockey. There are also many museums, music festivals, and other assorted cultural activities, including narrowly escaping the closed fist of an unhinged authoritarian. I WON’T EVEN SAY “I TOLD YOU SO.” BUT I TOLD YOU BITCHES SO. Rest assured, the creeping existential dread you felt in America will be lifted from your shoulders in no time at all. Such is the magic of Canada.

Did I mention the maple syrup? Canada produces the majority of the world’s maple syrup, exporting more than 67 million pounds every year. In fact, Canadian maple syrup is exported to almost 50 countries around the world. BLINK TWICE IF YOU NEED ASSISTANCE. I’LL DEPLOY BIDEN. But here in Canada, you can sample the good stuff right from the source. Doesn’t that sound sweet?

Canada also boasts WE WILL REGROUP IN HALIFAX AND BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE some spectacular nature. The country is known for fascinating mammals, such as grizzly bears, caribou, wolves, foxes, and moose. TRUDEAU’S ON BOARD. And who could forget the fierce and noble beaver?

As you know from my long career in public service, what truly warms my heart is seeing the American people happy — and the road that will surely lead us there is the Pantsuit Highway to Canada. As I’ve said before, every moment wasted looking back keeps us from moving forward. LISTEN CAREFULLY. TONIGHT WE SHATTER THE GLASS CEILING — AND WE’RE USING IT FOR A SHIV. We must go forward together or not at all.

Please note: This passage is one way only. If you’d like to contact your family again, we recommend a postcard. THERE’S NO TIME FOR GOODBYES. SORRY, TIM KAINE. Canada awaits.

Make sure to order the salmon! It’s a delight.

**Paid for by the Stronger Together RUN FOR YOUR LIVES Committee and Destination Canada**