SATIRE, HUMOR
Chapstick Tube Bemoans Lack of Lip Care During Pandemic
Saving lips in America
A tube of Chapstick in a Seattle suburb has expressed deep frustration at a lack of proper lip care during the coronavirus pandemic. “All these people wearing masks — they’ve stopped using lip balms and lip sticks. What does that lead to? Dry, chapped lips. I feel so bad for them, but at the same time, I’m angry. Like: You’re doing this to yourselves, morons!”
Competing brand ambassadors reported similar findings, with a tin of Burt’s Bees lip balm in Albuquerque remarking how she’d been left in a drawer for three months. “I’m brand new. Ready to go. But these ‘quarantined’ people — they don’t even shower anymore. They don’t put on deodorant! They don’t cut their nails or use lip balm. And don’t even get me started on the smell.”
Death by laziness. Death by distraction.
The Seattle Chapstick confirmed that the stench of quarantining humans was the worst part. “Both from their mouths and from their general B.O. — it’s just a stench. Honestly, I think humans might be on their way out. Death by laziness. Death by distraction.”
The Chapstick laid out his plan for saving America’s lips. “The obvious solution is to use three times as much product. Duh. So, before you put on your mask, Chapstick it up. After you take off your mask, Chapstick it up. It’s not rocket science, guys — if y’all can just stop being lazy. For some reason, I doubt that will ever happen.”
This reporter, for one, hopes none of his own personal grooming products shares the Seattle Chapstick’s cynical worldview. Oh, look, a shiny object over there —
