Child Separations to Double

Rich Families Beg White House to Take Their Kids

The White House dropped the ball on the court’s first deadline for reuniting children. The ball bounced through the hall, down the steps and into the Rose Garden where is was shredded to bits by the lawn crew’s mower.

In the wake of the snafu, the Oval Office quietly issued a new directive to the Department of Defense: Prepare for at least twice as many kids as we told you before. One source within Homeland Security thinks the government may take in another six thousand children before the end of the summer.

N. R. Bidniss, newly appointed Director of Family Affairs for Homeland Security, says they expect to separate thousands of additional children from their families. “This time,” he added, “it’s at the parents’ request. Across the country more and more parents are tired of their overprivileged brats’ atrocious behavior and want to unload them on I.C.E. We’d ignore them if so many weren’t willing to pay.”

“Across the country more and more parents are tired of their overprivileged brats’ atrocious behavior and want to unload them on I.C.E. We’d ignore them if so many weren’t willing to pay.”

Wealthy families have noticed an upturn in obnoxious, whiny, brattish behavior since late January 2017. No one has an explanation, and parents are desperate for help. This includes families descended from immigrants who are as tough on current immigration as the President.

“My daughter had the gall to tell me we’re Mexicans too and should stop giving money to the fascist who steal children,” Mary Rouge told The Haven. “I wanted to slap her face silly. Those so called ‘children’ are suicide bombers in training.”

Mary’s (originally Maria) grandparents, Hector and Marta Ortega immigrated from Oaxaca and her husband Paul’s (originally Paolo) parents, Jorge and Maria Rojas from Mexico City. The Rojas founded Rojas Multa Mult-Grain Tortillas with an estimated worth of three-quarters of a million and the Ortegas made their fortune in “property relocation.” Maria said they would gladly pay “high five figures” for the government to take her “ungrateful, unAmerican, pouty-mouthed daughter” to an interment camp.

“My daughter had the gall to tell me we’re Mexicans too and should stop giving money to the fascist who steal children. I wanted to slap her face silly. Those so called ‘children’ are suicide bombers in training.”

I.C.E. agent game shames Brooke Rouge with her skills. (GL Nino)

Carlton and Elaine Waspesh of New York, Brookehaven and Martha’s Vineyard think some time in a government internment camp would do their son Jeff “a world of good.” They would pay seven figures. “Especially if we can write it off,” Carlton added.

The Waspesh believe some time in interment might show their “useless piece of shit freeloader” how to toughen up if he “sees what it’s like to live in a shit hole with other shit holers, instead of buying weed and munchies with his Palladium and Centurion cards.”

Bidness says the President is one hundred percent on board, especially since he can sell it as a deficit reduction measure. “Reduce the deficit and claim we’re treating immigrant kids as well as we treat American kids. That’s a twofer sale for the elections.”

Van for “contract” detainees used as publicity still to show how well I.C.E. treats immigrant children.

When asked if parents would be allowed to deduct the expenses, and if immigrant children would really be treated as well, Bidness confided, “Hell, yes, and hell, no. I mean, we’ll instruct the guards to treat them just as bad, but you and I both know the parents or their kids will bribe the guards for special privileges.”

“We’ll instruct the guards to treat (the wealthy children) just as bad, but you and I both know the parents or their kids will bribe the guards for special privileges.”

So, no deficit reduction?

“I never said that. I said parents could deduct the expense. Besides, we know the only people who can afford the fee aren’t paying taxes now and never will. So, it’s deficit neutral. But if Americans will believe we gave them a tax cut, they’ll believe we’re cutting the deficit too.”

The Haven learned the parents don’t care if they’re ever reunited with their children. “Can’t find the right kids for the Mexican parents? Give ’em mine,” Paul Rouge declared. “Let the little shits get deported with their new families and see how they like trying to buy their Playstations with three pesos.”