Choose Your Own Misadventure: You Are Insane but Having a Blast — Part 7
Part Seven of an ongoing interactive story that will probably end here.
You leap over a tombstone with the grace of an aardvark and promptly spill face-first onto the lush grass beyond. Your right foot caught the tip of the concrete marker in mid-leap, annihilating the momentum of your graceless pounce.
You rise to your knees and involuntarily wipe away some of the blood flowing from your nose. You are horrified to see that you have fallen onto the ground directly over the final resting place of some long gone human. You wince as you scan the grave and offer a barely audible apology.
“Hold it!” blasts the police officer who had been pursuing you as she yanks you to your feet by your back collar.
You inhale with sharpness and slowly pivot your head to face her. You offer her a wide smile, a bloody nose, and bulging eyes. Maybe she will detect that you are a perfectly rational, well-put-together individual. She may be so moved by how normal and upstanding you are that she immediately releases you.
“I believe you stole something from this gentleman,” the cop accuses as she motions with her free hand to an approaching figure. The man from your building, scowling as always, now stands before you.
You gulp audibly. How did the man from your building get here? You have run so far from the convenience store, the place where earlier today you accidentally stole a totally rad bright neon green keychain. He witnessed you walk out the door without paying for it, and he was the one who summoned the police to apprehend you. Did he ride with this particular police officer here to the cemetery? How did he know you would be here?
The man from your building looks you up and down. He has been observing you for months, waiting to strike, waiting for the right moment to destroy you. Now he has you. This is it. Should you attempt to flee again? To fight? To try and reason with him?
“Yes, officer, this person has the keychain I bought,” the man from your building intones in a low register.
What does he mean by, “bought?” You were going to buy it yourself, but neglected to do so in a moment of extreme distraction. Did he reenter the store after calling the cops on you and pay for it himself?
“But I am sorry for wasting your time, officer,” the man from your building continues. “I just remembered that this person did not steal the item from me. I gave it to them.”
The cop turns to the man from your building with a face of disbelief.
“Again, I am sorry. It was my mistake.”
“Okay,” the cop exhales with something more serious than annoyance. She releases the back of your collar and then addresses the man from your building. “Great. Great use of city resources, sir. A fine use of taxpayer dollars. Maybe next time you’ll remember key details like this before you accuse someone of theft. You have a great day, sir!”
The police officer gives you a parting look.
“And, ah, you too. Have a great day. Maybe go clean yourself up.”
The police officer shuffles down the cemetery walking path toward a squad car parked on the street. Nervous moments pass before you have the courage to bring your eyes to the man from your building.
“Soooooooooooooooo,” you initiate. “Um, thank you. Thank you for …”
“Just stop,” the man from your building cuts you off. “Do not get any ideas. We are not friends. You are a filthy homeless person. It does not matter that you have an apartment in our building. You will be on the street again soon. People like you never get their act together. I just decided it will not be because of me that you return to the gutter. You will do that yourself, sooner or later.”
The two of you stare without blinking.
“Do you want, um, YOUR keychain back?” you finally question.
“No. I do not care about the stupid keychain. Keep it.”
“Awesome! Thanks, man!”
THE END
You have done it! Congratulations on making all the correct choices to unlock the best possible ending! Pat yourself on the back, you lord of logic!
