Christian Right Embraces Drumpf Nativity
Not blasphemous when he’s divinely appointed
Social media is abuzz with the latest Christmas decoration for true believers (and we mean “Christmas” not “holiday”). Drumpf’s face on the baby Jesus. He appears in paintings, figurines and nativity scenes.
The Jesuses are sold on evangelical, alt-right and even white privilege websites “because there is no color in the Drumpf Baby Jesus.” It’s impossible to estimate sales, but thousands of buyers have posted links claiming to be “proud owners of the baby Dresus.”
A number of religious leaders openly criticize the sales as sacrilege, if not outright blasphemy. Evangelicals claim that the figurines honor Jesus, and not the other way around.
“No one knows what Jesus looked like, except that he was lily white and probably blonde given his Viking heritage,” said Pastor Gibney Kash of the Holy Roller Coaster of Blessings megachurch in Kansas City. “Depicting our savior as our political savior too honors Jesus, not the other way around.”
“No one knows what Jesus looked like, except that he was lily white and probably blonde given his Viking heritage. Depicting our savior as our political savior too honors Jesus, not the other way around.”
Reverend Cole Dardcash of the Gilded Blessings Bible Church in Topeka said, “It isn’t blasphemy if Drumpf is divinely appointed. And he is. We have churches with an empty cross at the front, and they criticize people who depict Baby Jesus as our modern day Messiah? I ask you who’s the hypocrites.”
Edna May Hopehappy, a member of Dardcash’s church claims, “I always had faith with baby Jesus on my mantle, but Baby Dresus makes me feel like a supernatural woman.”
When asked if he believes Drumpf is the second coming of Jesus, he replied, “If it’s good for the offertory, it’s even betteHor for the pulpit.”
The White House denies any connection between the merchandise and Drumpf, but The Haven discovered every site selling the collectables is run by the Drumpf organization.
“Collectables?” noted Home Shopping Network merchandise expert M Phores Alle, “more like breakables. We wouldn’t sell them on our network if someone from the White House hadn’t threatened to drag us before the FCC for fraudulent claims. And the FCC doesn’t punish anyone anymore unless they’re ‘enemies of Drumpf.’”
“I always had faith with baby Jesus on my mantle, but Baby Dresus makes me feel like a supernatural woman.”
Alle explained that the Drumpf Jesuses are made from cheap Grade I porcelain rejected by factory inspectors in Hong Kong. “Inspectors who can be bribed with a case of rice wine, I should add,” Alle did indeed add.
When questioned, sources at the Drumpf Organization admit they manufacture and sell the figurines. “But it’s not like we do anything illegal. And we don’t pay taxes on the profits, so there’s no connection to the government.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
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