Christiano Ronaldo Brains Kid With Football: Sharts in His Shorts from Laughing

Christiano Ronaldo was his usual fake self while warming up before a match with Atletico Madrid. A wayward kick of a soccer ball (not a football) flew into the stands where it hit a little boy, exploding his head and sending him into a coma.

Ronaldo bent over laughing, wiping tears from his eyes. Giving two thumbs up the superstar yelled, “Nailed it!”

After injuring the boy he looked around the crowd to find another child to brain with a soccer ball mumbling, “That’s number three. I’m on a roll.”

The injured boy’s parents stated they will sue Ronaldo if their son comes out of his coma with brain damage.

Ronaldo rolled his eyes and stated, “I’m sure he was already brain dead. Look at his parents.”

Carlo Ancelotti, Real Madrid’s current coach, approached Ronaldo on the field and told him to “be more careful with your off-target punts.”

Enraged, Ronaldo stepped up to Ancelotti pointed in his face and yelled, “Don’t talk about women like that! It’s highly offensive!”

When Ancelotti explained Ronaldo’s mistake by emphasizing the word “punts” the superstar made the first half-assed apology of his nineteen-year career, stating,” I’m sorry if I misunderstood what you said, which I didn’t. First day with the new lips, Ancelotti?”

Ancelotti returned to his concerns abo about Ronaldo’s off-target punts and injuring the young fan.

Ronaldo stated, “Who’s off-target?”

Ronaldo was asked if he planned on paying the boy’s medical bills. Distracted by his own image in a stadium window Ronaldo fixed his hair, blew himself a kissy face, pulled his soiled shorts out of his butt crack and asked the reporter to “repeat the question.”

When The Halfwit Herald repeated the question, Ronaldo stated he would probably have to pay the boy’s medical bills because the parents looked “dirt poor.”

“They buy their clothes at Walmart. There’s no way those people have money.”

Ronaldo was told that his fans saw him as arrogant and conceited for making that type of comment.

Ronaldo stated, “They just want to do me.”

In a related incident, Ronaldo was asked if the Saudi Pro League Club reprimanded him for assaulting 14-year-old autistic boy Jacob Kelly the previous year. The assault made headlines around the world.

Ronaldo lamented, “Why do bad things happen to good people? I’ve suffered enough. His mother wanted a new cell phone. Do you know how much they cost? At least $700.00. I’m only worth $90 million. I’m on a tight budget.”

Ronaldo sobbed uncontrollably, wiping tears from his face and flashing his $750,000.00 green Tsavourite watch.

As we spoke he kicked an off-target punt, nailing another child in the crowd, 15-year-old autistic boy Jacob Kelly.

Ronaldo scratched his head and said, “That’s a coincidence. He wanted to come to another game this year. My punt was right in line with those complimentary tickets I sent him. Weird.”

The reporter asked Ronaldo about his own children including his controversial decision to use a surrogate while he was involved in a long-term relationship with his girlfriend, stunning Austrian model Georgina Rodriguez.

Ronaldo accidentally threw a soccer ball at this reporter, nailing him in the head.

“I don’t want to talk about it. People want to know about my family. It’s my business.”

Holding an ice pack against his head and trying not to vomit, this reporter asked Ronaldo about the large number of children in his family noting he seemed to be a family man.

Ronaldo replied, “Who wouldn’t want a bunch of little Ronaldo’s running around? It’s my duty to bring beauty into this world.”

When asked about his own childhood, Ronaldo burst into tears. “It was terrible. My father was cruel to me. He bought me a Ferrari for my sixteenth birthday and when I trashed it he said I would have to buy my own. No one reported him to Child Services. I had to live like that. It’s been tough but with the help of God and therapy, I’m getting through it.”

As we spoke, a player from the Atletico Madrid team nailed Ronaldo in the head with an off-target punt. Ronaldo screamed and feigned a seizure. A team of paramedics attended the superstar who waved them away stating, “Make sure the photographers get a picture. I need it for the lawsuit.”

Ronaldo then shouted at the Atletico Madrid team member, “I’ll sue you for everything you’ve got! Do you know how dangerous it is to hit someone in the head? I could get a migraine headache! How will I pleasure my wife tonight? Usually she’s the one with the headache. She’s so annoying.”

Fans ran onto the astro turf, using their cell phones to take pictures of the injured superstar. Ronaldo reacted by slapping phones out of children’s hands. Two children ran from the superstar but he easily caught up with them. Smashing their phones to pieces Ronaldo laughed, once again sharting in his shorts.

As the interview ended Ronaldo, stated, “Make me look sympathetic to that Kelly kid. I don’t want his mother to sue me. She might win this time.”