Citing Fear of Being Eaten, Snoop Dogg Joins Other Entertainers in Avoiding Ohio
International superstar, rapper, actor Snoop Dogg announced that he has cancelled all future concerts and promotional appearances in the state of Ohio out of fear of being eaten. Mr. Dogg joins a growing list of celebrities and entertainers who are avoiding Ohio in the wake of false claims, spread by Donald Trump, JD Vance and other prominent conservative figures that immigrants in the Buckeye state were eating pets and wildlife.
“Look, I just spent weeks sipping fine wine in Paris and being treated like a French king,” explained Mr. Dogg. “Rumor or not, you tell me why am I going to turn around and risk getting eaten in Ohio? That’s the hardest of passes fo-shizzle.”
The town of Springfield, Ohio vaulted to national prominence after former President Donald Trump announced during Tuesday’s presidential debate with Vice President Kamala Harris that, “In Springfield they are eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there.”
Rapper Pitbull also released a statement confirming rumors that he too would be avoiding Springfield for the foreseeable future:
“I am deeply disturbed and disappointed in the remarks of Donald Trump and others. Logically, I know there is like a 99.9% chance that this pet eating thing is just another racist, craven and dangerous fiction. That said, would any of you take a .1% chance of being eaten by another human? There isn’t enough Fireball in the world to turn Mr. Worldwide/Mr. 305 into some snack for someone living in the 937.”
Some artists cited the impact of social media as the impetus for bypassing Springfield. “I kept seeing memes of dogs driving themselves and a carload of other pets out of Springfield,” said clearly rattled rapper/singer Doja Cat. “If things are so bad that animals are learning how to drive just to get away, why am I going to march my cat self with this name into that situation? You must be crazy.”
American rockabilly band The Stray Cats resurfaced issuing a statement reading simply: “Just to be safe, until we can get some clarity on this Springfield cat eating situation, that is one town we will not rock.”
Meanwhile, folk singer-songwriter Yusef Salam took out full page ads in the Springfield News Sun, Dayton Daily News and virtually every major Ohio newspaper with text reading, in part: “My legal name is Yusef Salam. I haven’t been Cat Stevens in decades, so no need to associate me with felines or any other household pet. Lapè e Pa Panje M, YUSEF” (translated from Haitian Creole: “Peace and Do Not Eat Me, YUSEF”)
In related news, former “So You Think You Can Dance” host, Cat Deeley citing “an abundance of caution” cancelled plans to throw out the first pitch at an upcoming attend Cincinnati Reds home game.
Not all the news was bad for Springfield and the rest of Ohio as the surviving members of the 1970s rock band Three Dog Night announced that their calendar was “fearless and VERY flexible” for any locality that would have them.
No word yet on what, if any, impact the horrifying rumors will have on the future plans of Arctic Monkeys, Hootie and the Blowfish, or Counting Crows.
