Climate Change Denier Continues Wearing Obnoxious Snow Hat Despite Record Warm Winter
Sometimes stubbornness is necessary. This isn’t one of those times.
From mid-November until the end of March, Jeff Dimsky never leaves the house without wearing his trusty snow hat. That might have made sense during the hellacious winter of ’78.
We’re not really sure though. Our worthless intern couldn’t find anyone who remembered. We’re not even sure he tried.
But in 2020, one of the mildest winters we do remember, Dimsky stood out as quite the odd bird traipsing around in winter garb while everyone else enjoyed an early spring in short sleeves.
“Oh yeah, we know who he is,” said neighbor Jane Adams as she smoothed the topsoil around the marigolds she’d just planted. “The kids are afraid of that weirdo.”
“He looks like a pedo!” shouted her husband over the roar of his lawnmower’s engine. Later he added, “I mean really… a grown man in a hat with a fuzzy little ball on top. At least he won’t sneak up on anyone wearing that thing.”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” offered Dimsky’s wife, Anne. “I don’t really know much about Jeff. We’re like every other married couple. We just exist under the same roof to pay bills.
“Sure, I saw the trickle of sweat running out from under the hat and down his cheek,” she admitted, “but I didn’t have the energy to tell him to take it off. He just gets so upset, and honestly, I don’t care if he overheats and passes out as long as he wakes up in time to go to work.”
We weren’t hopeful, but we went down to Dimsky’s gym hangout anyway to see if we might get lucky and find someone who could shed some light.
In between sets of preacher curls, local legend Big Boy Billy Barnes concurred that the practice is exceedingly odd. “That looney tune’s always bragging about how he never gets cold. Tells some strange story about shoveling the driveway in shorts and flip-flops, even though we haven’t had any snow in years. Of course you don’t get cold, dummy. It’s 62 degrees and you’re wearing a goddamn toboggan.”
In perhaps the most logical explanation yet, some other guy whose name we didn’t get speculated, “Honestly, that stupid hat might not even have anything to do with some delusional winter fantasy. Think about it. Everybody hates the Patriots, right? And he’s married to that shrew. Who knows, he might just be trying to make us all as miserable as he is. Newsflash Jeff… that hat and scraggly beard make you look like a homeless derelict, and nobody gives enough of a shit about homeless people to feel miserable. We just think you’re a creeper.”
We ran this theory by his physical therapist, Dr. Emmanuel Givens. “Yeah, I know Dimsky alright. That clown showed up last week in that annoying hat and wouldn’t shut up about stocking up on canned peaches for some phantom snowstorm. He didn’t even have to open his mouth to ruin everyone’s mood, though. That hideous logo plunged us all straight into winter depression, and the only flake in sight was Dimsky. If he’s trying to piss me off wearing that thing, I guess you could say it worked,” admitted the normally congenial Dr. Givens.
“Funny how he can’t manage that desk job of his because of some so-called repetitive stress shoulder injury, yet I see him over at that gym doing all kinds of stupid shit he shouldn’t be doing,” continued Givens. “Well, I fixed him right up. Had him running on the treadmill ’til he puked. Now you tell me… what shoulder injury have you ever heard of where running was part of the treatment plan? Yessiree, I reckon ole Dimsky’ll be back to work in no time. Peaches? What the hell?”
We finally caught up with Dimsky himself. Adjusting his hat to be sure his ears were covered, he exclaimed, “Damn right climate change is a hoax! Don’t you know the difference between climate and weather, fool? Completely unrelated topics. One has nothing to do with the other. This is just a little warm front before the big blizzard hits.”
Later that day, Dimsky was seen sneaking out of Starbucks clutching a latte in one hand and a can of peaches in the other, hat firmly in place and scarf cinched tightly around his neck. He could be heard muttering, “Winter is coming.”