Coach Finstock From Teen Wolf 1985 is the Greatest Philosopher in Cinematic History

“Kids can learn a lot from losing too”

I recently re-watched the 1985 movie Teen Wolf (not to be confused with the 2011 series of the same name, which kept some character names but based on a Google search mostly involves young people striding through the mist).

If you haven’t seen the original film, it’s about Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) a regular high school student who discovers he’s inherited werewolfism from his mom and dad. Instead of tearing luckless moorwalkers into bloody gobbets of flesh and being killed by a mob of murderous bumpkins, he parlays his unusual condition into basketball stardom and popularity. Even so, matters go predictably awry and as in all ’80s teen movies, a lesson is learned: if you’re a wolfman, don’t use it to your personal advantage. Remember that, kids.

Apart from an energetic performance by Fox and the valuable warning about the dangers of lycanthropy, it’s a mediocre film. However, Jay Tarses as Coach Bobby Finstock is one of the great philosophers of modern cinema. Even though he only appears in a few scenes, he has all the best lines, and teaches us a great deal: