College Bored to Raise Exam Fees by 200%
Disclaimer: This story is a satirical piece which *should* make you laugh. All quotes have been made up, and any reference to a company name is not intended to devalue the products or reputation of that brand/company. (Please don’t sue me. Thanks.)
The College Bored, the organization that conducts the SAP examinations and the Advanced Testing (AT) Program, today, released a statement explaining that it “is hiking the fee for its various services by 200%”.
The College Bored, an American non-profit that was founded in 1900, aims to “expand access to higher education”. As per the College Bored website, over 6,000 of the world’s institutions are currently affiliated with the College Bored.
At the press conference held at the College Bored headquarters in New York City, CEO Dazed Coolman explained that the College Bored will be making a number of changes to its working policy, thus, driving up the cost of creating, offering, and grading every test.
The redesigned SAP will now be printed on premium-grade recycled card paper to reflect the brilliant craftsmanship behind the construction of the test. The pages are also rumoured to be scented with Aloe Vera.
An internal source, who would not like to be named, also attributes the hike in fees to an “internal mutiny” by the graders of the various tests administered by the College Bored. The source said that the team of highly trained zombies that grades AT tests has been demanding a higher salary for years now. After receiving threats of resignation from the union of zombies, the College Bored is said to have acceded to the zombies’ demands. The exact pay hike of the zombies is still unclear.
The RSS PROFILE, an application for financial aid, is also said to be “undergoing improvement”.
On a more positive note, CEO Dazed Coolman also revealed plans to introduce a new curriculum for Pre-K classrooms, highlighting that “In today’s hypercompetitive world, students must be prepared for all upcoming challenges”. The curriculum, designed to groom students to take the SAP, also provides vocational training so students can get employed in high school to pay the fees for taking the SAP and related examinations. The curriculum has been designed to maximize students’ “college readiness” by teaching advanced topics like “trigonometry on finger-tips (that aren’t dripping with drool)” to children of the tender age of two.
The College Bored, along with popular SAP preparatory material creators, also unveiled a new collection of test preparation material. Carrom’s “Toilet Training Guide”, promising “the most comprehensive review”, is listed at $16.99. Listed at $33.99, Plankton Review’s “Walking and Movement” preparation book contains clear illustrations and important strategies on the movement of appendages and limbs.
Earlier this year, CEO Dazed Coolman is said to have chaired a meeting in which the College Bored told its partner colleges that every partner college will now have to pay $5.53 per student for access to the student’s data, as opposed to the $0.43 charge in 2017. As per documents obtained by The New York Times, colleges will now obtain information about: how many Tide Pods students eat for lunch; the social security number of the monster under students’ beds; the number of pencils destroyed in colouring elliptical bubbles; and the number of selfies captured by each student on a daily basis.
CAT, Inc., the College Bored’s main competitor is also said to be “reviewing its policies on test creation”, and is rumoured to be spearheading the development of an alternative curriculum for middle school.
I’ve been dreaming of writing satire for a while now. Writing this piece was fun. Expect more satire from me now? Maybe. I don’t know.
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