Communicating with Exoplanet Comedians
The James Webb space telescope cost about 10 billion dollars and doesn’t even pick up ESPN. We threw that sucker out a million miles from earth so we could look at stars.
I can see stars from my backyard, at least some of them. However I’m told it’s not “visible” stuff we want to see. It’s the invisible stuff. I sometimes see invisible stuff, but no one believes me. (I find it’s better not to mention this too often, especially when I see Freddy and Zak, a couple of interdimensional beings I like to hang out with.)
Before spending 10 billion dollars and drinking who know how many cups of coffee, NASA should have contacted my neighbor Hughbor Lollykoontin. Hughbor is from Tbilisi in Georgia (the country, not the state). Hughbor built his own infrared space radio telescope using Direct TV dishes he stole from the girls dorm at the college.
His original intention was to spy on the girls, but that really bothered his conscience so he pointed the disks skyward.
He received some weak signals and realized he need more power so he bought a small nuclear electrical generator from Northern Tool. The generator is made in Butan and comes with enough uranium to operate abut 10,000 years.
With the extra boost he was able to see back to 30 minutes before the Big Bang and was able to catch the last part of the pre-Big Bang show. They didn’t have commercials back then so there were no interuptions.
Figuring he has almost unlimited power Hughbor leaves the telescope array on 24/7.
One night he heard voices coming from the control room and thought maybe his kids were tuning into the Simpsons again. But they weren’t there! The voices were coming from the stars, or more precisely the star’s exoplanets.
Because of the way he had things configured, he was receiving the voices in real time (it’s a co-location, quantum thing). Amazingly they were speaking in English with a heavy southern accent. Most extraterrestrials speak English.
He immediately contacted NASA which sent out a team of sunglass-wearing, investigator in black SUVs. Within five minutes the NASAteers snatched every piece of equipment, tried to zap Huchbor with a “I forget ray” and zoomed off.
Nice try. Hughbor saw that coming and closed his eyes. He also retained recordings of all the conversations with the exoplanetarians. They’re mostly stand-up jokes about life on their explanets and are hilarious. You can check them out on YouTube.